Vice President of the United States and known conversion therapy supporter, Mike Pence, visited Champaign-Urbana last week for a three-day weekend getaway after his first few weeks in office. On his Thursday excursion he stopped by Green Street’s Murphy’s.
“I was very impressed by the hospitality of everyone there,” Pence reported. “I wasn’t sure why everyone had lisps, but I thought maybe it was part of an accent from a language I hadn’t heard before.”
Murphy’s hosts what is known as “Thursgays,” a night where the homosexual community gets together to have a few drinks and socialize.
“I almost shit my pants when I saw him walk through the door on a Thursday,” recalled bartender Cindy Bravo. “But I don’t think he realized he was at a gay-prevalent night.”
Thursday nights are filled with many fruity drinks, dance remixes to 2007 Britney Spears songs, and many tight v-necks. Pence, however, was oblivious to what atmosphere was as he apart of, as he has never met a homosexual person.
“Murphy’s was nice, I had no idea the European culture at U of I was so big!” Pence added. “They were very welcoming and their English was impeccable, I’m glad we aren’t trying to ban these guys.”
It was reported by the staff that the Thursgays attendees began buying the Vice President shots and daiquiris, which him and his wife happily accepted.
“It was so cute! We had a little cuisine and some colorful drinks,” said Pence’s wife, Karen, excitedly. “Thursdays are fun! But I don’t know why Mike kept asking me how to say ‘Pass me the salt’ in Italian.”
VP Pence tweeted a selfie with the gay community later that night. It was him, his wife and several male hairdressers holding up piña coladas with the caption “Ciao Bella!”
After several drinks at Murphy’s, the supposed Italians brought Pence out for some sushi down the street at Sakanaya.
“I don’t know why we didn’t get Papa John’s or DP dough,” drunken Pence slurred, “But I guess they get enough of that in their home country.”
For the rest of his weekend, Pence turned to his new friends for recommendations.
“We’re going to No. 7 Salon and Spa in Urbana tomorrow, and then going out to C-Street later,” Pence explained. “They said those were some authentic Italian experiences we could receive on campus.”
After realizing that he had not spoken to one Italian the entire weekend, Pence became upset and went back to Washington D.C.
“Next time we’re going to visit a school in a red state,” he exclaimed, “Like UW-Madison or Alabama!”
However, Karen Pence noted she had a lovely time in Chambana and would come back again, except with her friend Tim who works as a nurse in D.C.