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Movie Review: Blow Job Girl: The Movie

Blow Job Girl: The Movie is based on the incredible and inspiring true story about one girl who did the unthinkable. Her story has turned into the 2015 New York Times Best Seller with the title, It’s Blowtime. There are rumors of a sequel of the book called, Still Blowin’ It set to hit the shelves of Barnes & Noble and your bathroom magazine rack next year.

 

The movie starts out with Arielle Blaine (Blow Job Girl), sitting at her sorority house with her paid friends talking about the upcoming weekend that starts on Mondays at the University of Illinois Campus.

 

“Guys, like honestly, what bars we hittin’ up this week?” said one sorority sister. The sisters, related not by blood but by blood alcohol content, started screeching out bar names. “Joe’s! Cly’s! Bros!” they screamed.

 

Arielle Blaine then said, “We’re going to The Red Lion, I’m feeling scummy.” The girls literally died as they described and became excited for the night. The sister wives’ conversation then took a weird turn.

 

“You know what would be crazy and get written up in a satirical newspaper for, if someone performed oral sex on the dance floor at Red Lion,” one irrational friend said, “Has it been done before,” they wondered.

 

The group consulted the Guinness Book of World Records under the surprisingly unknown “Blow Job” category. “There’s been blow jobs in bathrooms, bedrooms and Oval Offices, but never the dance floor of The Red Lion,” one friend said. “Who blows people in their bedroom? That’s way too private,” they thought.

 

Each one of them sighed and thought that a blow job on the dance floor of Red Lion is a dream. It also upset them that they have wasted three hours discussing blow jobs, while procrastinating on their communications homework.

 

And then the turning point of the movie and conversation happened. “I’ll do it,” muttered the determined Arielle Blaine. “I’m going to blow someone on the dance floor of Red Lion,” Blaine said. “It can’t be done! What are you thinking? You’ll get yourself a STD!” each sorority girl screamed at Blaine. “It can and will be done my sistas and now it’s time to go practice,” Blaine said.

 

A montage similar to the Rocky training sequence shows Blaine deepthroating bananas, running in place and dropping to her knees, and of course the famous scene of Blaine running up the steps to the entrance of Foellinger Auditorium.

 

Blaine was ready for the big night. Her squad and her first pregamed going to Red Lion because arriving sober to a place to get drunk is a crime. They arrived at Red Lion and paid the $100,000 cover to get in.

 

The girls got on the sticky tables and started dancing. Blaine was on the lookout to see who was going to be the receiving end of her dream. She locked eyes with a dazed and confused fraternity brother. She jumped off the table like Batman and landed right in front of him.

 

“Yo, I’m Doug what’s u– my god.” Before Doug could speak anything else, Blaine dropped to her knees, unzipped the pants of history and blew the genitals of glory. She blew him away and once the job was done, she walked out of Red Lion with her heart full of pride and no dignity in her conscience.

 

Doug’s frat brother went up to him and said, “Bro! Who was that girl who did that that you?” Doug looked towards the door and said, “Bro I don’t know who she was, but she shall be called Blow Job Girl from this night forward.”

 

Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in Major League Baseball, but nothing was more impressive than Arielle Blaine breaking the blow job barrier. She taught us all that it’s not what you blow, it’s how you blow it.

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