With graduation only about a week away, Illini are starting to think about the next chapter of their lives. Some of your friends are hunting for apartments near the Loop, while more ambitious ones are moving to totally new places altogether. However, you, being the entitled asshole you are, pompously thought that you’d get a job offer handed to you without even applying. For the certainly short stint of your unemployment, your parents have offered you your childhood room until you get on your feet. Moving back in with your parents may seem like the end of the world, but allow me the opportunity to explain why it’s not soul-crushingly painful, but rather lit as hell.
Just think about it, you get to live rent-free with all sorts of amenities – you’ll be the envy of all your peers. You’ll have access to a state-of-the-art 2008 Hyundai Elantra, free laundry service provided by your loving mother, and home-cooked meals from your dad, right after he disowns you for being a leech to the family. There’s no need to pay your bills on time, because you don’t have any! Meanwhile, your friends are struggling to balance all sorts of different debts, and must do it on their own like adults.
Unless your room got turned into a “gym,” moving back home is safe and easy. Moving into a new apartment, however, comes with all sorts of uncertainty. They could be a total slob, a mooch, or even a Trump supporter. And while you already damn well know that your parents voted for Trump, the only roommate you really need to worry about is your demon-child little sister, but a few noogies and full nelsons should put her in her place.
Sweet, sweet nostalgia:
Along with all of this, there’s a wonderful sense of nostalgia associated with moving back home. You’ll get to see your dog’s health deteriorate right before your eyes, and sleep on the same bed where you found yourself sexually. But perhaps most rewarding is the fact that you’ll get to see all your friends from high school who couldn’t make it out of your hometown. You’ll get to meet their bastard children, see the plugs they got in their ears, and it’ll all just make you feel better about your own life situation. You’ll be the cock of the walk back there, an even bigger deal than that guy who made a semi-viral vape trick video.
You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, so there’s no reason to sweat a little hiccup in moving back home. Most people our age have been babied so much by participation trophies and a lack of emotional abuse, that we’re just not ready for adulting. So, ignore your friend’s onslaught of new and exciting things in their life on social media, and enjoy your little hiatus.
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