Throughout this weekend, mothers will flood the U of I campus in droves, eager to see their little munchkins. In a blend between reliving their glory days and masking the disappointment they have in their children, they’ll inevitably get loaded up on sangria and get really wild. And to be frank, that’s awesome; that’s how Moms Weekend should be all the time. However, there’s a much more sinister reality to the whole event — Moms Weekend is a blatant war on masculinity.
This isn’t merely due to the fact that these next couple days are devoted to women. All the sacrifices and hardships associated with being a mom merits them many more days of celebration than they are currently allotted. Indeed, I believe that every mom is a MILF – a Mother I’d Like to Flower with endless love and affection. But the events and traditions that accompany Moms Weekend are inherently sexist, and it’s time we rethink them. Moms Weekend is not sexist towards the women themselves, mind you, but the men who are pinned with a figurative target on their back.
For instance, think about how the sons of these mothers are forced to dress during this weekend. We are red-blooded men forced to don bright, colorful clothing for the sake of pleasing the female race. Pink, hot pink, aqua, seafoam, Kelly green — all of these have an implicit bias against people who have testicles.
It’s not merely the clothing we wear; our whole presence must be altered. We’re forced to shave our manly facial hair, trim our rugged cuticles, and defang our gallant locks with trimmed haircuts, all in the name of belittling our masculinity.
What makes things even worse is that the school is actively sponsoring this attack on manhood with the types of events they put on for the weekend. A brunch is held every year in Memorial Stadium, which may sound absolutely delightful at first, but think about the message that it’s really sending. Football is the epitome of machismo – the fact that the university would allow quiche and sparkling water to come anywhere near our sacred past time is an assault on our identity.
Additionally, there are several craft and flower shows that pop up all over campus. The former is actually welcoming to men. Nick Offerman, of Parks and Recreation fame, is a manly man who crafts woodwork in his free time. But the flower shows are highly feminine and toxic to the male psyche. Not only do flowers often come in the aforementioned frilly, but there is a dark history on this campus of injecting plants with genomes that turn people gay!
The worst affront of all has to be the Atius dance competition. Fraternity men are forced to pair up with a sorority and submit to their every instruction. In doing so, we succumb to numerous attacks on our sexuality, doing not-manly dance moves, and oftentimes being forced to wear dresses and makeup for the routine. And worst of all, the event pins us in an auditorium full of other moms, who look down on us and maniacally laugh as they watch what little masculinity we had left escape our bodies.
I call for a stalemate in the war on masculinity that is Moms Weekend, and if you’re feeling insecure about your own masculinity, join me!