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Obama’s Speech Expected To Be Chock Full Of Condolences For Cly’s And Firehaus Closing

Next Friday, September 7, will culminate in former president Barack Obama speaking at the University of Illinois, his speech expected to be chock full of condolences on the tragedy that is the recent announcement of Cly’s and Firehaus’s closure. 

“The American people have dealt with hardships in abundance since the end of my two terms in office,” Obama explained, sipping a cup of piping hot tea. “If our current leadership chooses not to acknowledge victims of tragedy such as with Puerto Rico’s citizens after Hurricane María last year, then I’ll simply have to continue doing as I did even in my run as president.”

UIUC’s student body is reportedly astounded and touched by Obama’s display of altruism.

“Obama is such a G,” said UIUC junior Tony Vitale. “I only went to wine night, like, three times last year at Cly’s, and I only went to Firehaus last night for the first time, but honestly they’re pretty dope bars. Campus won’t be the same without them, but Obama’s visit will surely ease my grief.”

Even members of the U.S.’s current administration attest that Obama’s empathy is a characteristic they hope to see in America’s next president.

“I heckin’ miss Obama, fam,” expressed a U.S. Senator, who wished to remain anonymous. “We need a president who’ll take the well-being of the American people into consideration not just attribute tragedies to things out of our control. Reaching out to the victims of Cly’s and Firehaus just show how great of a president he once was.”

In summation, UIUC students and American legislators alike are universally grateful for former president Obama’s attention to our dire tragedy. God Bless America, Barack Obama, Firehaus and Cly’s.

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