Can we all agree that the concept of Santa Claus is kinda creepy? He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, and he’s hiding under your bed at TVD while you’re making good use out of the Fleshlight you purchased on Amazon Prime. Anyway, even though Santa might be a sex offender or serial killer, we’re going to follow in his footsteps and reveal our official UIUC naughty or nice list from this past semester.
Naughty: Dennis Toeppen:
This man is the naughtiest of the naughty, and we don’t mean that in the kinky “Daddy” way. A racist prick with a masculinity so fragile you can pop it with a pin, Toeppen spends his time harassing minorities on Reddit and Yelp! Only coal for “Dennis the Menace” this year, and every year after that.
Nice: Alma Mater:
Alma is the most wholesome statue on campus, and always will be. Granted, she may be letting the guy and girl behind her double team her, but we support how open she is with her sexuality. Keep hoeing, Alma. At least you’re fully clothed, unlike every other statue on campus.
Naughty: Chancellor Robert Jones:
Don’t get us wrong, we think Robert Jones is poised, handsome as hell, and would make a great 90s soap opera actor. However, his mysterious career as chancellor experienced a teensy hiccup when he let his driver almost run over a crowd of students protesting the Chief at the Homecoming Parade. We’re convinced the only reason he didn’t run over any students is because he’d have to pay for their tuition.
Nice: Coach Brad Underwood:
He may not seem like the sweetest man, what with all the images of him yelling until his face turns blue, but at least he’s trying. We mostly put Brad on this list so he would be inspired to whip our basketball team into shape. He hasn’t gotten fired or tried to sell a used RV to athletic director Josh Whitman yet, so he’s surpassing all our expectations.
Naughty: Illini Republicans:
Although they’ve kept a lower profile following their “Affirmative Action Bake Sale” last semester, they’ve still been up to their ol’ tomfuckery—it’s just a little more secretive. For one, their Facebook cover photo shows the most Aryan man doting a headdress and war paint that says, “Not our mascot…our SYMBOL.” They also held a “Meeting With the Chief” and hosted Charlie Kirk. ‘Nuff said.
Nice: Loretta the Chex Mix Lady:
Loretta is doing God’s work when she drives around in her golf cart, handing out homemade Chex Mix to drunken frat boys. After a hard night of work, she tidies up the 100 Natty Lights scattered on her farm, feeds her chickens and peacocks, and goes to bed. Not to be sacrilegious, but Loretta is like a UIUC-specific Mother Teresa, and she deserves a stocking fully stuffed with Chex Mix on Christmas morning!
We couldn’t fit all your favorite zany characters on here, so here are some honorable mentions: Brother Jed for naughty, and Hugh Hefner for nice, which is mostly just a pity title because he’s dead.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!