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‘It’s Okay Not to Make Friends Right Away,’ Orientation Leader Assures Herself After First Week Of Junior Year

A new school year means hoe phases and poor life choices for all Illini. After successfully completing her first week of junior year, UIUC  orientation leader, Natalie Campbell, is beyond excited to meet new people.

“Studying is a good distraction for not having any friends, but since it’s sylly week I really don’t have anything to keep my mind off of the invasive loneliness,” Campbell sighed. “Being an orientation leader, I know that it’s okay to not make friends right away. I just need to find my niche.”

“It’s kind of sad,” said Campbell’s mom, Glenda, after hanging up their third FaceTime this week. “I didn’t know I was raising such a fucking loser.”

According to Campbell, she’s seen multiple frat party invites on Facebook, but she has nobody to show up with.

“Usually I just play loud frat playlists over my Bluetooth speaker to mask the depressing nothingness of my everyday life. I pretty much live at the UGL at this point. At least during finals I’ll feel surrounded by people,” Campbell spoke behind hopeful eyes.

Her freshman year roommate, Alyssa Reynolds, has apparently been trying to help since moving out of their dorm first semester.

“Natalie? Yeah, she’s really weird. The day we moved in she acted like we’ve been friends since birth, and I couldn’t handle it, so I moved out. I feel bad for her though, so I pay that homeless guy on Green to talk to her every once in a while. Gotta help out the less fortunate, you know?”

To anyone interested in being Natalie’s friend, please contact her at any point in time. It’s junior year and she needs it. If interested, you can likely find her sitting in the UGL’s lower level, or eating lunch alone at the Ike.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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