College students nationwide are participating in a Tinder swipe off to win a free Cardi B concert on their campus. The school with the highest number of right swipes wins the contest. Look, I’m all about women in hip-hop, and Cardi has sick bars, and some good songs that aren’t “Bodak Yellow.” But the thing is, swiping right means matching, and let’s be honest, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but not every fish is good in the sack.
Not to toot my own horn, but I do get more super likes than the average Tinder user. Maybe it’s because my selfies are on fleek, or that my bio is hilarious and relatable because I used a silly pun. It could also be the fact that I’m incredibly gorgeous. Either way, I match with everyone I swipe right for. This means if I, as they say, suicide swipe for this concert, I will literally match with every single person.
Imagine how many messages from ugg-os I would receive at 2:30 a.m. I know what you’re thinking, why don’t I just un-match these animals? Well here’s what I have to say to that – my time is way too valuable to sort through all these grenades to find my perfect Guido. If I spent all my time doing that, I would only have limited time to do much more important things like getting my nails done, or hooking up with boys from Tinder.
By the way, I hook up with a lot of dudes. I hate date events because I can never decide between Chad, Thad, or Brad. They would, like, totally kill me if they found out that I was the one that gave them all chlamydia.
Besides the point, suicide swiping is not worth it in the long run. If you’re hot, then you get a right swipe; it’s as simple as that. If you’re not an avid Tinder user like me, keep swiping because a concert would be awesome. However, I have a high-profile reputation to keep up with. If a bottom house guy matched with me, he would literally tell everyone. This is just an excuse for ugly people to get a ton of matches. Honesty, I would not be surprised if this contest was a fake, and is a front for bottom house pledges to match with top house bitches like me. They would never have a chance if it weren’t for the possibility of partying with Cardi.
Listen, I’m not trying to offend anyone, or make a big deal out of this. All I’m trying to do is draw the line between the beautiful people, and the ugglies. Sure, a Cardi B concert in Champaign-Urbana would probably be dope and it’s absolutely what women need right now. But this is the reason why we have a free concert on the Quad every year; and for that we don’t have to risk our street cred. I would rather lose this fake competition and get no concert, than have ugly people infested Tinder messages.
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