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Op-Ed: I’m Going to Your Formal Because I Want to Drink for Free, Not Because I Want to Smash

It’s formal season, ladies. You have a feeling your totally friendzoned best friend is going to ask you to his formal in Canada, yet accepting an invitation to a formal is basically handing the guy a one-way ticket to your coochie for the night. There’s no way you can travel out of the country, drink fancy alcohol, and sleep in the same bed without getting at least a little horny.

Listen, Robert, you really are a great friend. I can’t thank you enough for all the times you’ve let me smoke your weed at afties, and that one time when I puked on your futon and made you clean it up. But I said yes to formal because I love to drink, not because I want to give you head in a hotel room. I’m just trying to feed my addiction as a young alcoholic. That’s it!

It’s not you, it’s the fact that I’d literally rather have sex with the sinkhole in the KAM’s basement. Again, nothing against you, I’m just not attracted to someone who reminds me of my twelve-year-old brother. Wouldn’t that be weird if I hooked up with my brother? That one time we made out at Wine Night doesn’t count.

I’m not being a bitch; I’m just being honest and genuinely polite. I’m not leading anyone on. No feelings will be hurt like when Jered from Beta Pi ghosted me last semester for no reason (that fucking asshole). But anyway, who doesn’t love to booze in a different country with someone who likes you way more than you like them? That’s a dream every girl’s had, just like the recurring dreams I have that Jered will text me saying he misses me.

So yes, I will absolutely go to Canada with you, as long as you sleep on the pullout couch in the hotel room and don’t try to flirt with me the entire night. I’m not just a piece of meat, Robert. You can’t just use me for my body like I’m using you for free alcohol. Also, you’re also not allowed to talk to anyone else’s date when you’re with me, because that’s just rude to ignore me.

The drinks will be flowing, the people will be dancing, and the half chub you have from how good I look in my dress will not conform into a full boner. These are all the essentials for a successful formal. So, all I’m asking is that you pay for my shit, only pay attention to me, tell me how pretty I am, and do not try to hold my hand. I’m only here for the Grey Goose and the good times with my best friends who were also invited.

Formal is going to be so much fun, Robert. I can’t wait to get drunk and look hot doing it, while having someone by my side to remind me of it. Canada, free alcohol, and the first abstinent weekend of the year, here I come!

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