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Opinion: My Apartment Doesn’t Have Enough Tapestries

I thought I had it all: the single-serve Keurig, the twinkling Christmas lights and the collection of succulents. My apartment looked exactly like the dorm room on page 113 of this year’s IKEA catalog. Well, almost.

When friends visit my apartment, how are they supposed to appreciate my creativity and obvious individuality when I only have one tapestry to show for it?

Let’s get something straight right now: tapestries are not blankets. Don’t you dare demean my clear eye for art with such an offensive assumption. Every time an uncultured asshole asks why I hang bedspreads in my living room, I take a deep breath to, like, find my Zen and read aloud the Wikipedia page on tapestries to teach them a lesson. I totally think America’s education system needs reformation or something. We’re ranked like 600 in it behind Africa.

Every true work of art has a story behind it. For example, I bought my blue and purple tapestry with the elephants and weird symbols from a Walmart in Portugal when I studied abroad last semester. It was such an experience that I will never ever let anyone forget, and that handcrafted beauty gives me the perfect excuse to mention my trip and bring up fun facts about foreign coffee, again!

If you’ve ever played in an orchestra or a sex dungeon, you must know that carpets and fabrics absorb sound. The more tapestries I hang against these empty walls, the fewer noise complaints I’ll get for louder, everyday activities including early morning protein shake blending, shower rapping Cardi B, and sexual whipping. There’s no point in switching up my routine when I can just use acoustical physics to my advantage.

Plus, we all know it’s social suicide to Instagram two pictures in a row in front of the same tapestry. No matter how much editing I do to emphasize my severely contoured cleavage, I just know all of my dedicated followers will notice the same background, and the repeated tapestry pattern will completely ruin my feed’s aesthetic. That’s why I should have at least seven patterns to choose from in my own home – you know, one for every day of the week.

Don’t even start. I know what you’re thinking: an average price of $30 seems awfully expensive for a blanket tapestry. Do you think the Mona Lisa costs, what, like $1? Art is an investment, sweetie, and I can tell you that art certainly doesn’t grow on trees (unless Urban Outfitters is some sort of tree).

The colors and patterns are so soothing. Like, my soul is so soothed when I look at my wall. I would love to have a special tapestry for every mood. If I’m feeling sad, I can listen to Evanescence under a black tapestry in my bedroom. If I’m feeling like my typical feisty self, I can judge contestants on The Bachelor near a maroon one with my astrological symbol in the center. I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now, but I’m a Sagittarius!

My roommate might not have enough room to hang pictures of her family in the common rooms once I’m done decorating, but I’m sure she understands the importance of interior design. There’s plenty of room for her photos in the bathroom, anyways.

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