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Opinion: I Should Have A Job Offer By Now Even Though I Haven’t Applied For Any

With less than a month left at U of I, I’m constantly bombarded, no, interrogated, with questions of what I’m doing after graduation. These interrogation sessions come from family, friends, and even Brother Jed. Well, I’m here to tell you that, although I don’t have an answer to that question just yet, and although I’ve applied for zero (0) jobs, it’s not my fault.

No, I don’t have a job. I’m not trying to victimize myself, but I am the victim here. And I know millennials get flack for not blaming themselves for their problems, but this is not a me problem. First and foremost, it’s a University of Illinois problem. Why the ever-loving hell am I paying way too much tuition and textbook expenses just to be told by my advisor that I need to try to get a job? Hello? This smacks of last year when I had to write cover letters begging companies to let me intern for them and provide them with slave labor. Where’s the logic?

Am I saying companies should beg me to work for them? You better believe I am. I’m a beacon of untapped potential, and I’ll be damned if I go around showboating and degrading myself for a 30-40K annual salary. It’s so unfair that our university’s business and engineering majors are practically handed jobs on a silver platter. Have you ever met a business major who was actually smart?

Meanwhile, as a civics major, no companies are begging me to name all of Zeus’s sister wives.

I already know what you Gies business students are thinking: “Why didn’t you just apply for one gazillion jobs, just like our parents did for us?” One word: Handshake. How am I supposed to use a site to find a job or internship if U of I keeps having these commitment issue?

My sophomore year, I spent ample minutes of my day filling out my I-Link profile (only real Illini will remember this), only for I-Link to be replaced with Handshake. So I open Handshake, and I’m supposed to fill out all my information again in order to search for jobs? What episode of Netflix’s Black Mirror is this?

Besides the train wreck that is Handshake, UIUC advisors are beyond unhelpful. They want me to cold-call old alumni but not hint that I’m desperate for employment? I want my advisor to literally put her hands over my hands and use them to type up cover letters and edit my resume. Isn’t that what we’re paying them to do?

Instead, as a second semester senior, I’m expected to balance like six whole hours of classes, one extracurricular, continuous attempts to go to the ARC, heavy drinking, and time and effort towards job searching? It’s simply not possible.

Next time someone has the audacity to ask you your plans after graduation, just flick them off while showing them this article. Yeah, fuck you, mom! Thanks for letting me crash in the basement after graduation, though.

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