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Opinion: I Need Four Weeks of Winter Break to Celebrate the Birth of a God I Don’t Believe In

Okay, what is this bullshit? Since when is the University of Illinois only giving us three weeks to celebrate winter break socially acceptable? I, for one, am both shocked and appalled by this glaring lack of judgment from university officials. If I had known that starting the semester a week late would’ve resulted in Chancellor Robert “Scrooge McDuck” Jones ripping a week out of UIUC winter break, I would have marched my ass to school a week early in 90-degree heat.

Chancellor Jones— just where do you get off? You’re like The Grinch, Mr. Potter, and the Ghost of Subpar Football Teams Present rolled into one. There’s no need for you to steal Christmas this year. Wasn’t having our overpriced tuitions under your tree enough? You sicken me.

If you ask me, there should be at least one extra week of winter break because we’re screwing over the Jews… again! Hanukkah is during finals week, and it doesn’t get any more depressing than spinning a dreidel and eating latkes while worrying about bombing your ECON102 exam. It’s 2017: can we stop scapegoating Jewish folk already?

Am I an atheist? I’m damn close. Does it matter? Absolutely not. If it means an extra week of winter break from the university, I’ll get on my hands and knees and pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster for heck’s sake.

Or maybe I just want to worship at the altar of laziness by sitting my ass down on my parents’ couch for 3 weeks, endlessly staring at my phone waiting for someone—ANYONE—to offer me something to do. Will I endlessly Snap about how bored I am? Yes. Will I complain endlessly when I have to come back to U of I. You better believe it, hon.

Listen, just because I might not believe in God doesn’t mean I’m a cold, heartless bitch. Those two things aren’t related. I love religious freaks, and have half a mind to put one of those nifty “COEXIST” stickers on my laptop just to show everyone in my Foellinger Hall lecture how painfully open-minded I am. They got all the major religions on a single sticker! How’d they do that? Just further proof that God might exist, and will one day come down from the heavens and smite us all.

So if God does exist and he plans to smite us sinners, the first to be smitten will be Chancellor Robert Jones and the rest of the stingy university officials. The first to ascend to heaven will be Lovie Smith, but that’s just obvious. If the faculty repents now and gives us our fourth week of winter break back, God might not go all Old Testament on their asses when the apocalypse comes to Champaign.

Basically, I just want to have the option to fuck around, eat leftovers, and wear the same pajamas all week at my kitschy home in the Chicago suburbs. So before next semester bends me over and has its way with me, all I ask for is one more week to not improve upon myself or seek out job prospects. I just want to be the worst me I can possibly be and not shower or see the sun for several days: is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is.

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