Look: Block is an amazing thing. The entire Greek community bands together, united equally in our lack of school spirit and our assumption that since it’s 5 o’clock in Paris, France, it’s more than acceptable to start drinking. You’ve heard the douchey adage that “Saturdays are for the boys,” but in reality, Saturdays should be for the beautiful people, and the beautiful people only. This is why we believe we should strive to ban ugly people from attending Block.
The idea came to me at approximately 11:25 a.m. on Saturday when I projectiled on the back door of Red Lion’s beer garden, painting it a sickly brown color. I might attribute this to my icing out of three consecutive whiskey cokes after already having beer bonged a Four Loko with a tequila shot just moments before. But I’m in a frat, so let me drink in peace, goddammit. It’s what I saw around me in that piss-soaked garden littered with cigarette butts that made me do it – made me threaten to ban the uglies from Block. What I saw were some really butt-ugly people.
This a serious epidemic that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. When we bring our friends from other schools to U of I, we want to make sure that they don’t think the U stands for “ugly.” In addition, we want to make sure that Block is a positive experience for our own students as well. I’m confident that if you poll the Greek community, they would rank ugly people at Block as a more serious risk to our country than both ISIS and North Korea combined. But here’s the thing – every individual with a nice enough mother thinks that they’re beautiful, so this is a daunting task. That’s why I’ve taken the liberty to propose several strategies we can use in order to mitigate the risk of letting uggos attend Block.
Perhaps that most promising of these actions would be to train doormen to identify at-risk of ugly individuals and turning them away from the door altogether. This would involve a rigorous training course to equip doormen with the knowledge and skills needed to effectively carry out this duty. This workshop would include in-depth research from various social media sites, including TFM.com, Cosmopolitan, GQ, and GreekRank.com.
Another strategy that can be employed at the door would be to charge an “ugly tax.” This would still require doormen to be able to identify ugliness, but would not result in overt discrimination, however justified, against unfortunate-looking people. It may also be useful to simply install mirrors at the front door of all bars so the ugly people can sort themselves out. There’s perhaps nothing more sobering than seeing your own atrocious reflection right before you enter a hall of so many really, really ridiculously good looking folks.
We could even offer incentives to ugly folks to keep them from attending the bars altogether. Things like free football tickets, subscriptions to Netflix, and other activities preferred by the ugly ones would make sure that they stay as far south of Daniel St. as possible.
At the end of the day, the responsibility to keep ugly people out of our sacred Block is borne by all of us. We must work together to berate these creeps until they leave the bar and learn to stop looking like your grandmother’s bunions. But until we have created a utopian Block where all individuals are at the least a solid 8, I will continue to use my voice to speak out against this abhorrence.
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