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Overweight UIUC Student’s Splash Into ARC Indoor Pool Underwhelming

A wave of disappointment flooded the ARC indoor pool last night after larger-than-life Jacob Goldman attempted to perform a cannonball off the diving board.

Goldman, weighing in at a staggering 275 pounds—80 pounds of which he had gained in the past three years—had given onlookers high expectations based off his enormous size.  However, according to multiple sources, the impact of Goldman’s splash was nearly non-existent.

“When I saw Jacob waddle over to the diving board, I said to myself, ‘Oh boy, here it comes,’” said Sydney Finkle, who was lifeguarding at the time of the plop. “I was sitting close to the water, and was mentally preparing myself for the imminent splash back. I don’t know what caused it, he got a running start and all, well, I mean a relatively running start. I don’t think you could consider what he was doing running. But when he hit the water, it was like nothing happened.”  

Ralph Ferguson, who was at the pool during the incident, was also shocked by the lack of splash.

“That was not what any of us were expecting,” Ferguson said. “I mean, when I saw him in line to go off, I was actually excited. Everyone was on the edge of their seats; he had to have had at least 30 pairs of eyes on him by the time he was on the board. What a letdown.”

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