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P/CP: Should You Bother Going to Lollapalooza This Year?

Chicago’s premier summer music festival, Lollapalooza, recently released their lineup, and their 4-day passes for popular high school students are now on sale. Unfortunately, sales are off to a slower start than usual, and the lineup has been critiqued for its lack of female performers. Is Lollapalooza turning into Lollapa-snooze-ah? The editors argue over whether it’s worth going to Lollapalooza this year:

Diego Manischewitz:
Lolla will never lose its appeal. I mean, just look at the headliners this year: We got Bruno Mars, who is a little dancing man, and the Weeknd, who performs sexy music although his name is a glaring typo. Where else could you experience four days of sweaty high schoolers screeching “Uptown Funk” besides a bad prom? That’s the Lolla difference!

Original Pancake:
Haven’t we heard “Uptown Funk” enough? My ears bleed at the mere mention of Bruno’s overplayed sap. Sure, he may be crazy talented, but he’s also 5’5”, reportedly did coke once, and insists on pulling his 57 Grammys behind him in a Radio Flyer wagon everywhere he goes. And why would I pay for Lollapalooza tickets if I’m ONLY there to pay for the headliners I don’t even like?

Diego Manischewitz:
There are hundreds of other artists you’ve probably never heard of playing too, like Kayzo, or a fan favorite, The Vaccines! Lolla is about experiencing new music you have never heard of, but will hear at Urban Outfitters two years from now. You simply can’t get the Lolla experience from shuffling Spotify playlists.

Original Pancake:
Those “hundreds of other artists” are in such fine print in the Lolla lineup that I have to squint through my half-moon reading glasses just to decipher their stupid names! Just listen to a few of these abominable band names: A R I Z O N A, K?d, LZRD, CKY. No, I did not just jam my elbow on my keyboard; these are the real names of Lollapalooza 2018 acts that you couldn’t pay me to see.

Diego Manischewitz:
Open your ears to new sounds already! Lolla is a powerful group experience where you can mumble along in unison to Logic’s suicide song. Imagine being next to all the people who cyberbullied you in high school while extremely drunk — that’s Lolla and it’s freakin’ beautiful.

Original Pancake:
Okay but that kind of welcoming atmosphere is best-case scenario. Usually, after you get patted down at the gates for hidden alcohol and a quick prostate exam, you’re met with a heterogeneous mixture of high school dweebs and weird, longhaired adults dragging their children around. As degenerate college students, we don’t fit in anywhere at Lollapalooza.

Diego Manischewitz:
We fit right in with Lollapalooza — it’s basically Block, with all the children’s sized basketball jerseys the frat guys found in their Naperville home closet from fifth grade. If you’re a fan of getting punched in a mosh pit, the Perry’s stage is a lot more fun than Lion!

Original Pancake:
Okay I see your point but why would I pay multiple (MULTIPLE) $10 Lion covers to hear slightly better EDM music in a grassy knoll? Not to mention Lolla weather is the certified WOAT. It always manages to be on the most humid, uncomfortable, and rainy days of the summer. It may be humid in Lion from all the jumping around, er…dancing, but at least it’s a controlled environment.

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