You’ve underachieved these past four years and now it’s time for you to work in some sales gig that your degree has nothing to do with. Your parents are proud that you too will be joining them in the next chapter of your life of paying off your student debt. Now you have to decide whether you want to participate in the large jerkoff celebration of the university and your extremely common achievement or just be one of the cool kids and stay home. Our two graduating senior editors argue it out.
Why wouldn’t you participate in the big graduation? You barely passed all your classes and you’re still going to be rewarded by a Saturday morning ceremony! Why would you want to miss one of your last opportunities ever to wear those silly, smooth gowns that belong in a janitor’s closet in a Medieval Times? They’re so fun!
I went to Medieval Times enough as a high school band member to know that those gowns smell like horse manure and sweaty maiden bosoms. Also, unlike your favorite pair of Crocs, those things are not breathable. If you want to sweat like a suckling pig slowly roasting on a spit at the big graduation ceremony, be my guest.
I would love for you to be my guest at graduation because we get to witness the great uh *quick Google Search* Max Levchin, the founder of PayPal, come speak to us! You would be foolish to not sit through that 25-minute TedTalk about following your dreams and making a billion dollars with some nerds. Do you have anything better to do on Saturday morning?
It’s funny that you ask me that, Diego, because yes; yes I do. Do you think I’m gonna spend my final moments on campus wrapped up in a silken cocoon while I listen to some Silicon Valley nerd jerk himself off? Why don’t you just come block at Lion with me to take the edge off?
Lion is not the ideal place to cap off my UIUC career. The perfect place to do that would be to sit in Memorial Stadium for the first time since you fell for the Block I pyramid scheme freshman year. So what if a Silicon Valley nerd jerks himself off? Isn’t graduation just a class of 2018 jerkoff weekend anyway? Don’t you want to get off?
What kind of question is that? Of course I do, but if I want to get off at graduation, I’d have to cut a glory hole in my silken gown, and those things cost $50 to rent! The real world is full of actual dating…gross! To reap the benefits of college, catch me with a slam piece in the Cly’s bathroom while you sweat at Memorial Stadium.
If you are still banging a slam piece on graduation day, that’s just sad. It’s time to move on from your college hookup days to your adult hookup days where instead of hooking up three times a week, you will pay $100 for a dinner once a year and see what happens. It’s time to grow up and sit down at the big ceremony. You deserve it!
But there are too many damn graduating seniors on this campus. We need a new plague. Instead of suffering through the big graduation ceremony, we should just go to the slightly smaller convocations of our colleges. This way, we’ll get to see everyone who’s screwed us over on group projects get their undeserved diplomas as we grind our teeth in rage.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!
Iowa State – $300 Referral Bounty
Minnesota – $300 Referral Bounty
New Hampshire – $300 Referral Bounty
Syracuse – $300 Referral Bounty
Ole Miss – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Referral Bounty
Texas A&M CC- $300 Referral Bounty
Colorado State – $300 Referral Bounty
UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
Kansas – $100 Bounty
Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
Mizzou – $100 Bounty
Penn State – $100 Bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 Bounty
Auburn – $100 Bounty
UNCW – $100 Bounty
Wyoming – $100 Bounty
NC State – $100 Bounty
SLU/WASU – $100 Bounty
Portland – $100 Bounty
Slippery Rock – $100 Bounty
UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
Click here to DM our Twitter and we’ll take it from there!