Champaign-Urbana is a quaint metropolitan area for undergrads escaping a mediocre home life. The question is, do you dare return home this summer or dwell in a godforsaken ghost town? This week, Miguel Quiñones and Stuart Sizzurp debate both sides of the issue.
Miguel Quiñones: Why would I want to be stuck in a ghost town for three months, surrounded by never-ending acres of corn? That sounds like the premise for a horror movie I watched a few summers ago in the comfort of my own home.
Stuart Sizzurp: First of all, Children of the Corn is a timeless classic, which is why it’s had ten film adaptations all with the same premise. Furthermore, life in a ghost town isn’t so bad once you realize C-U in the summer is basically a lite version of Chicago without some of the felons and junkies. Would you rather live in a bustling, diverse city with a higher number of degenerates?
Miguel Quiñones: Summer on campus is nothing like the city. You can’t even go out to the bars when you’re in Champaign. Well, you can, but most losers who populate campus bars over the summer are townies, and I wouldn’t be caught dead in that scene. The only other option is drinking in the lonely confines of your musty Green Street apartment.
Stuart Sizzurp: Okay, have you ever tried to engage a townie? Me neither, but for all we know, they could be very nice people. I think you should approach those disheveled-looking townies you see at Campustown bars. It’s a great way to make friends, and an even better way to acquire a meth plug. What have you got to lose?
Miguel Quiñones: Imagine the FOMO you’d feel on campus. While all your friends are living it up at the lake, you’ll be sneaking into West Quad’s pool. While your family’s out barbecuing, you’ll be heating up leftover burgers from Joe’s. And while literally everyone is enjoying their time off, you’ll be up early getting ready for another shitty day at whatever lowly job you took to convince your parents to let you stay on campus.
Stuart Sizzurp: College is all about working up to eventual frolic in a polluted lake. You don’t get that privilege just by spending $30K a year to attend the best public school in the state. Suffering without A/C at your ISR desk job is how you’re going to afford that luxe lifestyle someday, buddy. Are you even woke?
Miguel Quiñones: Woke? I’d rather be in bed, which is where I’ll comfortably be all summer long. Summer break means cozy hours are in effect. I won’t have to worry about cooking, cleaning, or laundry because my family will be so happy to have me back that they’ll enable my shitty life choices rather than questioning them. That’s a luxury that you won’t get living with that oddball English major who subleased your friend’s room for the summer.
Stuart Sizzurp: Psh, one thing you’re forgetting about English majors is that they’re weak-minded fools who are easily manipulated into cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry for you. Assert your independence by living in an underwhelming college town and have your chores done for you at someone else’s expense. It’s a win-win.