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Illinois

Phyllis Wise Converts New ECE Building into Personal Mansion

For the past year the university has been constructing a new building to house the Electrical and Computer Engineering department. The cost of the construction will total about $71 million, not including the additional money to furnish the classrooms, offices, and labs. 

 

In order to outfit the interior, the ECE department set up a virtual store on their website where donors can purchase items such as chairs and tables. Benefactors can buy items such as $400 metal stools (apparently welded from Adamantium) and $350 chalkboards (slates of compressed meteorite rock). Wealthier donors can choose to buy an entire faculty office for $10,000 (with gold wallpaper flecked with whale bone powder and an immeasurable number of student tears) or even a simple $5,500 bench (just particle board, surprisingly. The cost comes from the sawdust of thousand year-old Sequoia trees).

 

University officials started to notice several anonymous purchases were originating from the same IP address. A spokesperson said, “At first, we just thought one gracious alumnus was being overly generous. Eventually, furniture started to be delivered that wasn’t on the list from the website.” 

 

Deliveries of beds, couches, and armoires soon followed the plethora of chairs and tables which were listed on the site. After several more deliveries, the building was fully equipped to house dozens of people, complete with kitchens, showers, and home theatres. Students assumed that the building was going to serve as a place where they could stay for days at a time while intensely studying signal processing and Fortran code. 

 

Students and faculty alike were in for a shock when the anonymous benefactor announced through the Chancellor’s Blog her true intentions.

 

“An irreversible building code violation prevented the completion of the new ECE building for student and faculty use, therefore, instead of abandoning a several-million-dollar project, the building has been converted into a house for Chancellor Wise,” the statement read. 

 

Students and self-righteous Internet activists set Twitter ablaze with anti-Wise hashtags. Not a single person predicted this turn of events. “I honestly didn’t think students could ever be angrier at Chancellor Wise than they were about the snow day,” one student said. “Never have I been so wrong.”

 

Chancellor Wise attempted to defend her decision by explaining how the construction on the building went wrong and the building isn’t “safe enough” for student use. However she concluded that she is “willing to take the risk of living in the building to keep students out of harm’s way, and to prevent any more cost to the university.” 

 

Wise continued to make her case, saying publicly that she was “taking one for the team.” To the untrained eye, the building appears perfectly fine on the outside. According to an official email from a university building inspector, the building is “in danger of collapsing any moment” and “The Chancellor is truly brave for stepping up like this.”

 

No one is more surprised than our own President Easter who admitted that he “mentally checked out” months ago, and didn’t know about the Chancellor’s decision.” One thing’s for certain, students cracking jokes about Chancellor Wise relaxing by her two-story fireplace won’t be deemed hyperbolic come the next “snow day.”

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