Despite being on campus for over an entire semester, a startling majority of the Class of 2020 have yet to get any sort of action this school year other than by being felt up in a CUMTD bus. In a Google survey sent out on a UIUC FB page for a student’s CHLH 206 class, the responses revealed that 72% of freshman respondents fell into this category.
The creator of the poll, senior Phil Morris, expressed great joy with the survey’s findings and what it meant for his discipline of study.
“After being assigned this project in my human sexuality class, I figured I might as well conduct some hard-hitting research,” Morris explained. “So I posted in a class group, saying, ‘Pls take 5 seconds out of your day to take this :),’ and I was blown away by the results. I’m hoping to expand on this in my senior thesis, which will hopefully get published in a medical journal.”
With no regard to his survey’s anonymity agreement, Morris released his results in the same page for all students to see. Soon after, Gabby Dyer and several other freshmen reached out to us to comment on the matter.
“I’m not really interested in drunken hookups, so I never really considered myself sexually active. But after reading that contact on the CUMTD bus was counted, then I guess I’d have to say that I very much am,” said Dyer. “And with the weather likely to worsen in the coming days, it’s not going to be changing anytime soon.”
Other students such as Danny Bower, seemed to be much more upset about the statistic. He was much more concerned about the implications this might have on students’ health.
“Have you ever been inside one of those buses in the winter? I’m surprised we hadn’t considered this a sexual thing before,” Bower stated. “It smells like an orgy in there, and there’s definitely some body fluids being transferred from those sweaty guys in there. I’ve got a sort of itch that I need to get checked out and I’ve been searching ‘can you die from the clap?’ on my phone all day.”
With this revelation on student sexual activity, many now wonder how this changes their perceptions of the CUMTD bus drivers. Sherry Cole, who has driven shitty CUMTD busses for 10 years, explained how this wasn’t something new, but rather was a seasonal trend.
“Oh yeah, those gosh darn kids are always getting freaky in here during these months,” Sherry revealed. “I’m honestly surprised I’ve lasted this long here with CUMTD, but it’s a decent job and you can’t beat the benefits. Not of being surrounded by all the hormones, I mean like the dental coverage and the vacation days and stuff.”
In response to the poll, a representative from CUMTD has issued a statement that spoke of the steps they would be taking to ensure that riders have a pleasurable experience on their buses. Among other measures, the bus service has vowed to install more ventilation vents in their vehicles and provide rain ponchos at the rider’s request.