Since arriving at UIUC, you’ve probably noticed that penetrating sensation of grandeur and clout. What you’re feeling is Big Dick Energy™, and there’s a lot of it on campus. We’re going to take a brief tour around our beloved school to determine where you can find Big Dick Energy, as well as it’s shrimpy counterpart.
Remember when you’d go to your high school nurse with venereal disease and all she gave you was a mint? McKinley Health Center is the higher education equivalent of that. From the 40-minute wait for a cold pack to the “medical professionals,” guesstimating what ailment you may or may not have, it’s an undeniable fact that McKinley is just not hung.
5.) Any construction spot on campus:
What does UIUC really stand for? University of Illinois Under Construction, that’s what. We’ve sold out to Big Construction, and campus is now one huge hardhat work area. Inevitably, any housing within the vicinity of construction sites are subjected to being woken up at 7 a.m. on the dot. No matter how high these big buildings are, they can’t compensate for the Small Dick Energy they’re giving off.
4.) UGL loud floor:
You want to study but don’t want to associate yourself with the geeks on the quiet floor who are actually serious about their education. Instead, you resolve to study on the loud floor. Your first mistake was going to the UGL, normie. But now that you’re there, you will not get a shred of studying done because you are either distracted by the puffs of Juul smoke in the distance, or the clones of sorority girls who, like, are so done with rush.
3.) Mt. Hope Cemetery:
There’s hella Big Dick Energy in the cemetery right behind the South Quad. Of course, the only people to actually ever see this place are the unfortunate freshman who ended up at FAR/PAR, but this doesn’t mean that Mt. Hope isn’t packing. Don’t believe me? Check out an aerial view of the place and tell me you don’t feel it pokin’.
2.) English building bathroom:
You can pay tuition, but you can’t buy wisdom. Only through shitty life experiences do we accumulate the wisdom of the elderly. And whose life bears shittier life experiences than that of an English major’s? Their wisdom comes in the form of brief, cryptic statements on every last crusty stall in the English building’s bathrooms. Once you decipher these, you’ve found the keys to success, my dude.
So much Big Dick Energy emanates from this bougie-looking library that it manifests itself in the form of a stench of sweat and grime. Don’t get it twisted, newbies; this is the smell of success. The real kicker is that even non-engineers are willing to go out of their way to get a whiff of clout and B.O.
Make sure you don’t get caught lacking, and make sure you frequent the places that are packing. Thanks to this comprehensive list, you know now where you ought to spend your time. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
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