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Report: Everyone Is Fake As Hell As Soon As It’s Time To Go Out On Friday Night

A recent report released by the University of Illinois states that 100% of the people you’re obligated to interact with during the week in your courses and RSOs are, in fact, fake as hell as soon as it’s time to go out on Friday night.

The public’s response to the development has been mixed.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed,” said Camille O’Grady, a UIUC sophomore. “Everyone’s so friendly in my MACS 101 lecture, but as soon as it’s Friday night and I need people to get fucked up at Lion with, everyone already has plans or just leaves me on read.”

Although there may be something vaguely unlikable about O’Grady that she’s simply not seeing, she’s not the only UIUC student to feel this way.

“I’m, like, so close with all the people I rushed APO with last semester, but every Friday night they all somehow end up at KAM’s and my invite is just lost in the mail,” said UIUC junior Raj Patel. “I guess it never occurred to me that they may just be fake-ass bitches.”

On the contrary, other Illini refuse to acknowledge the study’s veracity.

“I’m so sorry we couldn’t go out tonight!” explained Lacey Lasaga, a local fake-ass bitch. “My friends from home are visiting this weekend, and we’ve been planning this for a while. We can totally go out next weekend, though!”

Our hearts go out to the mildly off-putting saps affected by this shocking statistic. You might as well spend your Friday nights wading through dicks on Omegle.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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