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Report: UIUC Fraternity Members Receive More Concussions Than Football Players

McKinley Health Center released a report that shocked campus. The medical center reported that this year, the number of concussions received by UIUC fraternity members is almost twice that of players on the Illini football team.

“We noticed a lot more men wearing their letters and sunglasses inside than usual, here at McKinley,” said McKinley physician Graham Letterly. “The strange thing was, they were all coming in to get tested for concussions. The rates of concussions in frat stars here at U of I has never been higher!”

Letterly and other McKinley physicians attribute the recent spike in concussions in fraternity members to a recent trend. Videos have been circulating online of frat bros smashing a beer on their head or over their bro’s head and proceeding to shotgun said beer.

“The Hammer Chug. The Rumpelstiltskin. The Rusty Trombone. That’s what the kids are calling it,” said Letterly, before a fellow physician corrected him, telling him a “Rusty Trombone” meant something else entirely. “It doesn’t matter what they call it. I call it irreparable brain damage.”

Illini football players are reportedly amused by the staggering statistics of concussions in frat houses.

“Tell me why I’m getting sacked 15 times a game because our offensive line sucks dick and these frat boys are getting knocked out by a single Natty Light? Pathetic,” scoffed quarterback Chayse Crouch. “We may not be a good– or even decent– football team, but at least we know how to take a hit.”

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