Do you spend more time stripping on the Joe’s stripper poles than attending lectures in Foellinger? Congratulations, you’re unemployable. We know you’re not ready for the real world yet, which is why you’re drinking your life away at U of I, but your family doesn’t have to know that. So when you’re home for Thanksgiving, hit Aunt Becky with one of these responses when she inevitably inquires about your UIUC post graduation plans:
10.) Get Shifty With It:
Just keep it vague. Having a cool exterior with this response is key; no one will know you’re secretly screaming inside at the mention of your rapidly-approaching future. Using words like “delve” to make it clear that you’re totally educated, and must have a post-graduation plan in the works.
9.) Point Out Flaws Deeper Than Your Own:
Deflect any inquiries about your future by using a longtime hometown friend as a scapegoat. Pick one with the least promising future, and just gossip away. At least you’re about to be a superstar University of Illinois alumnus, unlike your Triton Community College dropout friend Lucy.
8.) Jump Out of The Nearest Window:
Avoid the whole ordeal altogether and just escape. Hop right out of that thing as soon as you see a family member open their mouth. You’ll be safe and sound, away from the trauma that is a totally reasonable question, actually.
7.) Start a Political Debate:
Remind your family that there are bigger things to worry about than your future. It’s not always about you! Now is the perfect time to use any national or global crisis to your advantage. Provoke the shit out of your grandparents. They can’t ask you about your life if they’re busy screaming about Trump’s.
6.) Break Down Crying:
This one may blow your cover, but at least you’re not saying any actual words. Take this opportunity to just let your feelings of inadequacy out. You deserve this after all those nights of throwing up at Lion when you should’ve been doing assigned readings, idiot.
5.) Shotgun a Natty Light:
Since you can’t show them your post-graduation plans, why not show them what you’ve been doing the past 4 years instead? Shotgun that thing like it’s your last. Pretend your frat bros are cheering you on in the distance. Warning: this may bring in a tear to your eye.
4.) Pretend You Can’t Hear Them:
Just look as confused as possible. Point to your ears and look terrified. Your family’s concern over your possible medical emergency will easily overshadow any pressing questions they may have about your future.
3.) Ask Them About Their Plans:
Why does your family even care about what you’ll be doing a year from now, anyway? Flip the script and let your family know you care by interrogating them for a change.
2.) Repeat Everything They Say:
Channel your inner 6-year-old and just annoyingly repeat every word anyone utters to you, but do it in a parrot voice. It’s a simple way to avoid letting any of these people who are supposedly close to you know about the inner workings of your life.
1.) Just Flatout Lie:
Fuck it. Create the most elaborate lie your little mind can imagine. Maybe look up some alumni profiles of former students who weren’t as ratchet as you in undergrad for inspiration. The possibilities are endless.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to our POD: