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A Roast of the UIUC Class of 2021 Facebook Page

As the end draws near for the Class of 2017, one thing is for certain: another group of snot-nosed brats from the North Shore will replace us as swiftly as we’ve been removed. To make sure they’ll be just as amazing as we were, we did a review of some of the finest curated posts in the Class of 2021 Facebook Group these infants have to offer.

 

Right off the bat, this guy lays down the law. Nothing says, “I’m trying to be known around campus as the one CS major with a 4.0 and absolutely no friends” than posting twice in a row about your drive and determination for academia. Dude, take a break and live a little. You’re going be here for four years. You’re only 18, pencil in at least 15 minutes of free time to tell everyone how great you are.

 

 

STOP TRYING TO MAKE EXCESSIVELY LARGE SNAPCHATS AND GROUPMES HAPPEN. THEY’RE NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. There are literally over 4,000 of you munchkins coming to the U of I next year, and you’re not going to meet and befriend every single person in your class. Hell, there’s an 80%-90% you’ll stop being friends with your roommate after the first eight weeks of living with each other. We get it, there’s safety in numbers, but technology has its limits and you really don’t want to befriend Jacie, we heard she’s a huge bitch.

 

 

Oh, honey. You’ve said “hella” more than once and you want to live in the Six Pack–we know you’re going to end up rushing. Most of the western population is sarcastic, it’s a common communication style in our society. Stop trying to make yourself #NotLikeOtherGirls.

 

 

The only normal one of the bunch. Continue being not extra as hell like your classmates, kid. You’ll go far. But don’t live at FAR. That place sucks and it’s too far away from anything that matters.

 

 

“Over a hundred bottles of nail polish” sounds like an indie song, or like the title of the Jackson Pollock that will be on your floor when you come home drunk off Jungle Juice during the first week of college. Frequent trips to the mall does sound like a great time, but you got Mall Money™? And let’s be honest, you’re going to end up rushing.

 

 

 

Wow, where to begin? First, you’re going to want to bring a mop and a bucket to clean up all the pussies you just made wet. Seriously, did you hear that massive thud of everyone’s panties collectively hitting the floor at the same time? Sounds like you already have a closet full of pastel-colored Chubbies and bow ties to match. From the looks of it, you’re pretty confident in yourself, but just wait until a hot girl at a rush party doesn’t want to hook up with you. Your fragile masculinity will be shattered in no time.

 

 

This is the pure and wholesome content for which this campus is desperate. From your brief intro, you seem fun enough to be everyone’s friend and roommate. Don’t get jaded and let the world take that away from you, kiddo.

 

Class of 2021: Good luck with your first days off in the semi-real world of UIUC. It’s survival of the fittest. Let the games begin.

 

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