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How Quaint: Roommate Needlessly Blasts Music To Drown Out Another 6-Minute Drunk Hookup

After deadbeat roommate Tony Veneziano brought a girl home from the bars and sneaked her into his room for a misguided six-minute drunk hookup, he put on last season’s Drake album to drown out the ensuing action.

“I’ve had five girls in my room this semester and my roommates are probably so jealous,” Veneziano chuckled, after failing to shotgun a Natty Light. “Once Drake starts blasting, they know what time it is.”

Unbeknownst to Veneziano, there was no reason to put on the music, because his dick game isn’t nearly as good as he’d like to think.

“Every time I hear that freakin’ goober put Scorpion on in his room after midnight, I know he has another scummy party girl over,” said Mitch Lawless, Veneziano’s roommate. “I wish he’d just give it a rest, though. He’s not making her scream, whatsoever.”

Yet, Lawless’s comment did not come purely from bitterness. Victoria Chauncey, the girl Veneziano had over, has confirmed its veracity.

“I didn’t feel it was my place to tell him that his dick game is weak,” Chauncey said. “Once he opened his HP laptop and started bragging about his free trial of Spotify Premium, I figured I’d just let him have this one. He can use the false confidence boost, I’m sure.”

None of the involved parties intend to let Veneziano in on the ugly truth. Here’s hoping that Drake soon releases another uninspired album that Veneziano can use to drown out his series of unremarkable drunk hookups.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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