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I Sat on the Quad Once and Now I’m a Philosophy Major

I was like you once: mindlessly scrolling through the Internet while pretending to pay attention in class. In fact, I was a University of Illinois engineer, or as many jealous liberal arts students would refer to me: an engineering student. So, obviously, I was God’s gift to Earth. That all changed one day when Physics 212 let out early and I didn’t have to be at my third unpaid internship at Beckman for 20 minutes. So I did what any normie student does in between classes: I sat on the Main Quad.

It didn’t take long for me to fully connect with the patchy grass around me. For a moment, I didn’t even think about meme-ing my experience, which was how I got validated. Instead, I did what every person linked with nature would do. I became a philosophy major. First, metaphorically; then, literally after a psychiatric evaluation and many appointments with the dean of each college.

I think I knew I was meant to be a philosophy major when I heard the trees speak to me. It kind of sounded like “hey dude, stop rolling around in the fucking grass” but I heard the hidden subtext. Nature was calling me to pursue my passions and give up the life that wasn’t intended for me, an industrial life full of money and career possibilities. I would rather persevere through the hard times and struggle to earn my $8.25 at a local coffee shop than have everything handed to me as an engineer.

What’s my spirit animal, you ask? It’s probably the small grasshopper that climbed on my leg when I was flailing around the lawn. He promised to always protect me from the Dementors and I felt safe looking at his tiny stick-like figure. This may have been related to the gummy bear that tasted funny someone in PHYS 212 offered me, but who’s to say? My new life as a philosophy student is about saying whatever comes to my mind and that’s what I’ll do.

As a philosophy student, I know I have a ton of job opportunities waiting for me. I can aspire to be a manager at a coffee shop, a dead corpse on Law & Order: SVU or even a massage therapist. The world is my oyster and I set my goals now. Before, other people like big Fortune 500 companies were setting my goals for me. That’s not the kind of life I want to live anymore. I am a free bird, whose main goal is learning to play “Free Bird” on the mandolin.

There’s a lot more to life than calculations and building necessary infrastructure for people to live their daily lives in. We all need some sort of peace in our life. Once I figure out exactly what philosophy is (when I have my Ph.D.), I’ll let you all in on the secret. Until then, I’m very content lying here in my hammock racking up a 2.5 GPA in classes most people take for gen-eds.

Life as a philosophy major isn’t as easy as everyone thinks it is. This grass is itchy and I have been bit by many unfamiliar bugs. However, my cargo shorts have never fit better and my McKinley doctor says my body isn’t used to this amount of Vitamin D, so I think I’ll be just fine.

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