Connect with us
Connect with us

Illinois

Sellout: Morrow Plots Opened For Barn Dance By University

The university has taken a bold step in solidifying its self-proclaimed status as “Littyville” by designating the Morrow Plots as rentable for barn dances. Though, after the announcement, the UIUC student body is left wondering whether their university has sold out.

“Honestly, I’m not surprised,” admits UIUC senior Michael Boofing. “But I am disappointed that our school would pimp out its own beloved corn fields. I heard that they’ve even got those stinky engineers working on a life-sized Alma sex doll to sell at the bookstore!”

Despite running the risk of harming the world’s oldest experimental corn field, researchers have determined that it is perfectly okay for the Morrow Plots to host these events, stating that “it’s a lewk,” referring of course to the many quirky and totally candid pictures that will be taken in front of the corn stalks.

“Our sights are set on that number one party school spot for next year. Naysayers will say that we don’t win football games, or that we have the highest in-state tuition in the country, but they can never say that we don’t focus on our priorities,” explained President Timothy Killeen.

“We took the defining elements of this respectable, flagship institution and figured out how capitalize off of them, as we tend to do,” boasts Chancellor Robert Jones. “It’s all about barn dance and corn at this school, baby. We figured we can make even more money off of our students if we made this strategic move to convert our sacred Plots into the spot for barn dances, semis, exchanges and fundraisers!’

The Morrow Plots have yet to get booked, but business will surely come now that flannel szn is upon us.

At press time, there are rumors circulating that the university is seeking to employ the Chex Mix lady. Updates to come.

Oh Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

Continue Reading

More from Illinois

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top