One-night stands are common among emotionally unavailable millennials with low self-esteem: a breed that plagues UIUC. After successfully going home alone on Red Lion’s dollar tequila shot night, senior Sara Evans decided to reward herself with a 24 Hour sobriety chip because she deserved it.
“I know chips are for alcoholics, but I mean, I did consume a lot less alcohol than usual,” Evans said as she Super Liked a 45-year-old daddy on Tinder.” Normally, you could give me ten tequila shots and I’d go home with anything. Last night, I embraced my Christianity. I’d like to thank not only God, but Jesus.”
After passing out in her own bed, Evans was only 11 minutes late to her 11 a.m. the next morning. This was a gold medal achievement for the rejuvinated senior.
“She hasn’t had a win like this since her sophomore year,” said Michelle Giudice, Evans’ roommate. “I can pretty much expect not to see her at our apartment after midnight because she’s always getting dicked down by dudes from Brothers.”
Following her celibate night, Evans went to a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to obtain the reward token.
“AA is not as welcoming as people say. I told them my story and they looked horrified. They also refused to give me the chip,” Evans recounted, checking her PayPal for generous donations from older men. “Did I have to resort to stealing it and running? Yes. Does that make it any less meaningful? No.”
Sara’s story of strength sets an example that all Illini would do well to follow. She’s collaborating with TEDxUIUC to discuss the advantages of only being a hoe while sober.