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SHOCKING: Frat Uses All of Philanthropy Money to Help Brother in KAM’s Bar Battle

Greek life prides itself on philanthropy efforts through fundraising while getting drunk at Frat Park. However, President of Sigma Alpha Jared Walter recently decided the money the frat raises for their philanthropy could be put to better use.


“Kevin really needed to win this bar battle at KAM’s last week. He’s been a carder for so long it’s kind of embarrassing,” said Walter. “We literally had just raised a shit-ton of money from flag football, so, like, why not use it? Charities always get tons of money from other people anyway.”

The chapter’s philanthropy money was supposed to be donated to the American Heart Association (AHA). Instead, Sigma Alpha member Kevin Martin raised approximately $2,800 while bartending at KAM’s on Wednesday night. He took first place in the bar battle by over $1,000, giving his house an insane amount of bar pull.


“Why is everyone so pissed?” said a confused Martin. “It’s called brotherhood. People are just jealous we thought of this before they did. We can pay back that heart place next year or something, whatever.”


After this incident, and the chapter’s prank call to AHA last year, Sigma Alpha has been disbanded at the University of Illinois. The American Heart Association has discontinued their involvement with the chapter and has no comment regarding the situation.

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