You and the boys had the brotherhood bar crawl of a lifetime last night, and it’s a miracle that you even came out of it alive. You woke up this morning to the sounds of Thin Lizzy crooning “The Boys Are Back In Town”– your alarm signaling that you have 15 minutes to get to your 9 a.m. class. But with a soft 4 in your bed and a raging headache, is morning class really the move after your UIUC bar crawl? This week, two of our writers duke it out over this important topic.
Original Pancake: You have two options here, and neither of them involve going to class. You can either hit snooze and begin your winter hibernation, or shotgun the unfinished Natty Light next to your bed and ask the soft 4 lying next to you for another round. You can get the lecture notes online or from a pledge. Morning classes are for peasants, anyway.
Andrew Malone: Come on, don’t be a bum– going to class is the only option here. Your parents are paying an obscene amount of money for you to attend this fantastic institution, and if they catch wind of you cutting class, they’re sure to cut you off, which is a problem when you’re dependent on alcohol. Besides, going to class drunk can be fun. It will at least alleviate the awkward silence in your morning discussion section.
Original Pancake: Sure it’s fun, but if you’re going to go to class drunk, you might as well just not bother going at all. Are you really going to get anything out of your organic chemistry lecture when you drank enough vodka Powerades to tranquilize an African rhino last night? Just stay home, recuperate, and try to save that diving GPA at your next lecture.
Andrew Malone: You don’t need to listen to a single word from the professor. All you need are those crucial attendance points. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to get quality rest in your bed with all that vodka sloshing around in your stomach. At least the droning voice of your professor will take your mind off your splitting headache and pounding heart.
Original Pancake: A little Nyquil and any other unlabeled drugs in your nightstand drawer will knock you out like a light. When it comes to your afternoon classes, you’ll be able to rise again like Jesus, but in a non-sacrilegious way. Wouldn’t your parents rather have you get your 8-10 hours than stumble drunkenly into lecture, much to the chagrin of your professor?
Andrew Malone: While it’s always nice to rise in a Christ-like manner, it will be even more rewarding to rise from a post-class nap. The feeling of accomplishment will propel you to a higher plane of existence. Personally, I think my parents would rather have me go to class, as my drinking habit is hidden from them this way.
Original Pancake: Are your parents bunking in your dorm or something? How would they know you’re wasting your $40,000 tuition if you manage to keep your GPA in a decent spot? Spotty attendance is a mandatory part of college, just like binge drinking and gaining the freshman 15, and then an additional 15 every year after that.
Andrew Malone: How do you plan on keeping your GPA at a decent number without going to class? It’s a known fact that skipping class is more addictive than any drug, including crack and heroin. The best way to avoid this pitfall is to go to class for as long as you draw breath. It’s the best thing for your GPA, your wallet, and your sense of accomplishment.