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Snyder Freshman Locks Himself In Dorm After Realizing Coke Is More Prevalent Than He Thought

UIUC’s newest Snyder freshman, Cole Evans, had no idea what to expect when walking into The Red Lion for the first time on a Monday night. He had heard about the sloppy dancing on the tables, the smell of vomit in the bathrooms, but he didn’t expect what he saw in the beer garden. 

“I was nervous obviously,” explained Evans through the Snyder wooden door, “but after I saw a group of girls from my Chem 101 discussion take out a tiny bag, and put a baking soda looking substance up their nose, I just couldn’t be there anymore. What would their mothers think of this?”

Evans was always taught how addictive and immoral cocaine was. He couldn’t believe that innocent girls would do this, especially in public.

“My health teacher in high school said that if you try cocaine once, it’ll ruin your life forever,” Evans said, voice trembling.

“It’s all he’s been talking about,” explained Josh Nichols, Evans’ roommate. “It’s so annoying. I’m tired of taking drug tests for him every time I come back from going out.”

Since the incident, Evans has not left his Snyder dorm room. He does not want to be ruined by drug culture, and prefers to remain pure.

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