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Sorority Girls Eat Ike Salad Dry As If It’ll Reverse Year’s Mistakes

By this time of the year, students have probably already tried to fit into their old jorts with little luck. Then, they’ll make a salad (obvs with no dressing) at the Ike while staring at their friend’s giant piece of cake. Freshman Olivia Glaves has personally felt victimized by the Freshman 15 and has taken measures to undo the damage.

“I just go straight to the Ike and load up on greens, pick at it for 15 minutes and then throw it in the trash,” Glaves beamed. “But hey, it’s always great to hear ‘you’re eating a salad?’ from my friends every time we hang out.”

The temptations follow college students even after freshman year. Jamie Rushing, a junior English major, is greatly regretting her yearlong dietary choices. “There’s tons of variety at the Ike salad bar. The only issue is that it’s all gross shit like vegetables and quinoa,” Rushing vented. “I wish I had forced myself to eat this garbage earlier in the year. I could be at a darty right now.”

If only every UIUC student had that thought at the beginning of the semester. Maybe then they would have thought twice about pregaming with ranch dressing and going to every single happy hour.

“I’m not ashamed,” said sophomore Madeline Barone as she munched on her bowl of straight-up broccoli. “If I can put ranch on pizza, I can put it straight in my mouth. Who’s going to stop me?”

It goes to show that it doesn’t matter what you pregame with, as long as you get some green in your diet. Those weekly meals of Fat Sandwich don’t count. These girls’ accounts prove that salad without dressing will fix everything.

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