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Sorority President Jailed After Attempted Virgin Sacrifice in Morrow Plots

 

Kimberly Hodgins, President of the Upsilon Gamma Gamma sorority, was sent to the Champaign County Jail earlier this week and is being held on a bail of $50,000 after her alleged involvement in an attempt to sacrifice one of her sorority’s pledges.

Champaign Police arrived on the scene after receiving a call just after 2 a.m. Sunday morning reporting sounds of satanic chants coming from across from the UGL. Sheriff Peter Swanson happened to be one of the officers responding to the call and explained just how shocked he was at what he saw.

“In my 14 years on the force, I hadn’t seen nothin’ like it,” said a still visibly shaken Swanson. “My deputy and I charged into the Morrow Plots to find a poor girl on an altar, surrounded by a dozen or so girls wearing all white. The girl was apparently a virgin, and was to be sacrificed ‘for the sisterhood’ after a run through of next semesters recruitment songs and a ceremonial passing around of a chalice of Rosé.”

The sorority involved has subsequently been placed on social probation and has also been banned from the Curtis Apple Orchard for the season.

“We’re just following the guidelines set out by nationals,” said Upsilon Gamma Gamma sister Ava Thomas reported. “Honestly, if Kimberley didn’t go through with sacrificing this girl, the consequences would’ve been much worse for her. She would’ve gotten sent to the Upsilon Gamma Gamma Correctional Facility, where she’d be forced to crochet ugly cable-knit sweaters for 10 hours a day, surviving off only Country Time Lemonade and kale chips.”

There’s actual crack in these, right? Or is it something else?: 

 

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