It’s spring in Champaign! The birds are chirping, the sun is…gone. Well folks, that’s about it! But don’t let the nasty weather fool you, because there’s some beautiful scenery to show your mothers this upcoming Moms Weekend. We may have one of the top 50 ugliest college campuses, according to one bitchass Complex article, but there are some rare gems of nature nestled amongst our endless construction. Here are the top five eyesores, er, “scenic spots” to drag your mom to this weekend.
5.) The Japan House Gardens:
When you say its name, Nick Offerman’s mustache quivers, and every mom within a 5-mile radius experiences hot flashes from sheer excitement. Even though the flowers haven’t yet bloomed, and we’re not yet sure when they will, there are so many activities to do with your mom here! You can stare at some pebbles, push your mom in the pond, and even climb a couple trees in a desperate attempt to escape your mom’s prying questions about your academic life.
4.) Frat Park:
Scenic Frat Park will make any mom feel like a royal MILF, mostly because nearby drunk frat bros will be catcalling her from the rooftops. Although there may be excessive litter in Frat Park, (i.e.: Four Loko cans, used condoms, and on Thanksgiving, an entire a turkey carcass), but that’s just part of the scenery. Bring your mom to frolic in Frat Park and hunt for hidden treasures in the grass. It has mud, grass, and the occasional tree and/or dog: what more could you ask for?
3.) Main Quad:
That Quad is U of I’s main and possibly only attraction. There’s lots and lots of grass and some bonus sidewalks! If your mom enjoys walking at a brisk pace, which all moms do, she’ll LOVE speed walking around the Quad. If this stunning scene doesn’t impress her, just swing her by Brother Jed’s circle of screaming vitriol. If there’s one surefire sign of spring in Champaign, it’s BJ out and about on the Quad, shouting at the gays!
2.) Boneyard Creek:
This is the only body of water around, so you should definitely drag your nature-loving mom to see it. Boneyard Creek runs through the Engineering Quad and also through parts of downtown Champaign for some reason. The wildlife in Boneyard Creek includes ducks, raccoons, swimming rat things, hopefully no fish, and a couple of Chipotle bags just floating there. When your mom asks you jokingly if that’s the water source for U of I’s drinking fountains, you’ll chuckle nervously and say “of course not!”
1.) Helms Park:
This lesser-known Chambana gem is located on the corner of Springfield and Second. It has some beautiful manmade waterfalls, a manmade pond, and a manmade walkway. Hey, what’s wrong with playing God every once in a while? Helms Park has it all: a couple benches, nearby buildings under loud construction, and an old man with a beard trying to fight off a troop of geese with his walking stick. Don’t worry: the sound of the waterfalls will drown out the roaring construction.
Why go to the flower show when you can pick your mom some daffodils growing next to the McKinley Presbyterian Church? Nature is all around us; we just have to squint… like really hard.