Last week, freshman Max Collins visited McKinley Health Center for the first time to receive free condoms, and though Collins took over 60 condoms, many suspect he is still a virgin.
“Oh man, college is wild!” an excited Collins said. “I knew I’d need as many of these bad boys as I could get. Honestly, I would’ve grabbed more if my cargos would’ve carried them.”
Before coming to UIUC, Collins binge-watched Blue Mountain State and had movie nights that included classics like Animal House, 22 Jump Street, and Spring Breakers to prepare for the “filthy” Illini lifestyle.
“Everything has been just like the movies! Between the cheap beer, crazy parties, and terrible food, I’ve been thriving!” Collins remarked, as he carefully placed his stack of Lifestyles condoms on his desk so that his roommate would see them. “Now all that’s left is the part where the co-eds can’t keep their hands off me. Good thing I’m prepared!”
Collins’s friends, however, don’t seem as impressed by his McKinley haul.
“He’s shown them to literally every single person who’s come into our room like they’re his prized possessions,” Collins’ roommate, Erik Garcia, bemoaned. “Honestly, he just seems desperate. He always comes home late, talking about frats nobody’s ever heard of, and smelling like a vape store.”
Some are even beginning to suspect that Collins may be a virgin.
“It was funny at first when I saw him grab that many condoms, but now it’s been over a week since we went to McKinley, and those condoms are still the only things he talks about,” said friend and floormate Andrew Banks. “Something tells me he really hasn’t been with anyone before.”
It’s still unclear whether or not Collins is a virgin, however, it’s certain that when the time comes, he’ll be ready.
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