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Illini Students Dread Upcoming Season After Illini Basketball Player Misses Trashcan in Class


A collective sigh filled the Communications 101 classroom in Gregory Hall Monday after students witnessed a member of the university’s basketball team miss his shot while attempting to shoot a ball of paper into the classroom garbage can.


“I just couldn’t believe my eyes,” commented Tina Foster, a junior who was unfortunate enough to witness the event. “Like, I didn’t think it was physically possible to miss a shot by that much. And this guy doesn’t ride the bench, he’s a goddamn starter. You best believe I cancelled my season tickets immediately afterward.”


Many have followed Tina’s lead after a video of the shot was posted on someone’s Facebook live stream and went viral. But the player in question, Howard Fischer, feels that the criticism he’s been receiving is unwarranted.


“In my defense, I was shooting with a wadded up Daily Illini, which doesn’t have a lot of substance, ya feel? And the window was open which caused a draft and I didn’t have my J’s on so it was a pretty daunting task,” said Fischer. “A similar thing happened while I was retaking CMN 101 for my third time and the backlash was so bad that my scooter got keyed.”


After hearing the news, Head Basketball Coach John Groce announced that Fischer would retain his starting spot on the team. Though he doesn’t have much of a choice considering there are only a handful of players left on the team that aren’t under house arrest.


If you woke up surrounded by ravaged boxes of Lunchables, then this one is for you:


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