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Suburban Dad Invests In Chastity Belt For Incoming UIUC Freshman

With the new school year approaching, an obsolete method of contraception seen as depraved and sexist by some has again risen in popularity, taking UIUC’s campus by storm: the chastity belt.

“I was the original Casanova back in my day,” explained James Borg, who bought a chastity belt for his daughter, an incoming UIUC freshman. “The best thing about double standards is that I don’t have to let any daughter of mine have her seed tarnished by that ‘Chad’ fellow I keep hearing about, which is why I shelled out for a chastity belt for my daughter this year.”

Although a chastity belt seems unusual in this day and age, they’re now the lifeline of social life on campus, and surely the best way to ensure a safe environment for UIUC students. Despite their vast generational differences, both parents and students can agree that chastity belts are the way to go for all Illini.

“Like, premarital sex is the most indecent thing,” said Borg’s daughter and UIUC freshman Mindy, as she bent over her desk to rail a fat line off her Bible. “My body is a temple, and I can’t let my daddy down, no matter how much of a ‘daddy’ Chad is. I respect myself enough to not give in to the devil’s temptation.”

Experts have concluded that chastity belts result in a 94% reduction in Bousfield bathroom babies, however the question remains whether Mindy’s chastity belt, or anybody’s for that matter, will stay on once barn dance season rolls around this fall.

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