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The Suburban Express Guide To Apologizing

Unsurprisingly, Suburban Express got itself into hot water this weekend because of a racist advertisement email that targeted Asian and Asian-American passengers. They later sent out a black-hearted email “apologizing” for the discriminatory email. While the UIUC community learned about the true values of the local bus company, we also learned quite a few things about how to apologize after you’ve done something wrong:


Don’t Apologize:

If your written apology that will be read and shared by thousands of people actually has you apologizing in it, you’re doing something rational and, frankly, wrong. Why own up to the mistake you made when you can just double down on what you originally said to piss people off? Everyone knows the best apology is no apology at all. Kudos to Suburban Express for being unapologetically themselves in their apology; close-minded and discriminatory.

Have No Empathy:

Empathy is a mature quality that most people have for one another, but that doesn’t mean you need to be one of those people. A bus company that buses hundreds of students to and from their hometowns should truly be the last people who possess a sense of empathy. Why care about anyone who is trying to go home for the holidays or, god forbid, experiencing a family emergency and needs to get from point A to point B? When apologizing, never attach any emotions– you don’t want to seem vulnerable even though you totally are.

Be Racist:

You’re apologizing for a racist thing you just said, but no one will take your apology seriously if you don’t reiterate and expand upon your racism. Not only expand on your hateful statement, but also throw in some inaccurate statistics to reflect your uneducated and racist view. Racism in an apology is totally fine if you have some out-of-context data to back it up.

Greatly Exaggerate:

You definitely offended some people with the racist one-liner you emailed to the entire University of Illinois, but if you want your apology to be completely ineffective, claim you offended more people than you actually did! Instead of merely apologizing for offending an entire ethnicity of students on campus, go all out and apologize for “offend[ing] half the planet.” Just make sure you sound sarcastic, because you wouldn’t want this to be misinterpreted as a real apology.

Talk About How Great You Are:

People wouldn’t care that you’ve made racist statements for years if you they knew how cool and successful you were, right? If your first half-assed apology offends more people than the original email that landed you in hot water, the next logical step is to send another email detailing all the successes of your company. Basically, the objective is to barely mention the people you offended, and talk about why your offensive statements were totally justified because your company broke up a monopoly in the 1980s. The apology should read like a circle jerk of your company. However, make sure not to include the damning fact that your company became its own monopoly soon after.

Dennis Toeppen, owner of Suburban Express, taught us that our apologies should be roundabout, insulting, and basically not apologetic in the least. We hope he won’t read this and reinstate his The Black Sheep discount from 2015 in rebuttal, because this article is genuine and not satirical in the least.



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