Quad Day is an exciting time of year when everyone from freshmen to seniors can freely roam the Quad looking for new clubs to join in order to somehow validate their existence. Throughout the day, it was hard not to notice the multitude of young children scattered along the edges of the Quad passing out fliers for the charter bus transportation company, Suburban Express.
After some mild investigative journalism, it was revealed that Dennis Toeppen, owner of Suburban Express and all-around douchebag, had, in fact, allowed his very own child slaves out of his corporate dungeon in order to advertise for the company.
“I’m so hungry, I haven’t eaten in forever,” eight-year-old Danny Sudner said. “I just wanna go home and see my mommy,” he sputtered as he continued to hand out fliers to students passing by him, struggling to move his arms in his adult XL Suburban Express t-shirt.
Other Suburban Express adult employees were there to help pass out fliers and as act as the children’s makeshift prison guards throughout the day. They expressed how they felt about the child slaves being allowed out of their dungeon long enough to pass out fliers in the beating August sun.
“Oh, I think it’s great. Most of these kids haven’t seen sunlight in at least 6 months so its great exercise for those little runts,” current driver Chuck McDonnell explained. “It’s too bad we didn’t bring enough water for ‘em, but I’m sure they’ll be alright.”
Some witnesses reported that they had seen kids attempting to free themselves of their electronic monitoring anklets in order to escape. However, no further word on if they were doing that or just scratching at their scabies rashes they had gotten since being kept in the dungeon.
Wonder why freshmen suck? We have it figured out: