UIUC freshman and self-proclaimed heavyweight drinker, Tucker Morgan, just completed his ACE-IT Workshop, surrounded by freakin’ nerds that actually paid attention to the video about the tragic college student whose friend reminds him of his alcoholic dad.
“This is bullshit—no matter what these pussies say, I’m still going to pound mad shots of Fireball when I get back to Weston,” the 18-year-old defiantly declared. “And I don’t even need to write tally marks on my hand. It seriously, like, takes a lot for me to get drunk.”
The Workshop dragged on, with the facilitators pausing to quiz the freshmen what a pregame is and where they can find the number for Safe Rides after each video.
“What is this, a goddamn interrogation? I’ll call my lawyer before I answer how long it takes for one drink to take effect on your body,” Morgan exclaimed.
The facilitator of the ACE-IT session, Brittany Miller, had some unnecessary and dramatic arguments with the freshman during her class.
“It’s honestly, like, not even that serious,” said Miller, who wanted to be there just as little as everyone else. “If you just answer the fucking questions instead of recounting how you’ve ‘literally never been hungover before’ every time someone says something, we could leave so much faster.”
Daniel Jacks, another ACE-IT attendee, saw through Morgan’s hardcore façade, despite his claims of having a liver of steel.
“I recognized that guy from a rush party from this past weekend,” recalled Jacks, whose bitch-ass ranted about how you shouldn’t take Adderall if you don’t have ADHD during the workshop. “He was sipping on one jungle juice the whole night, and didn’t know how to act.”