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T-Pain Performing At Spring Jam Successfully Prevents Parkland Students From Sneaking In

Each year at Spring Jam, filthy Parkland kids attempt to sneak into the live performance of the musician booked. However, the UIUC administration made a smart move this year by booking T-Pain, an artist who hasn’t been relevant since 2009. As a result, the event saw the lowest percentage ever (0%) of the local community college’s students attempting to sneak in.

“Townies have a distinct smell to them, kinda like when your barn dance date pees in your bed and tries to just sleep on top of it until it dries,” said Marina Roselli, a proud UIUC student. “I didn’t smell anything musty this year, so there’s no way any Parkland kids could’ve been at the event.”

Parkland students reportedly had no qualms about their unanimous decision not to sneak in.

“Why would I have wanted to sneak into such an irrelevant artist’s performance?” said Tony Miller, a loser from Parkland. “I always thought UIUC students were superior to us, but I now know that’s false since they booked someone no one wants to see.”

The university’s administration is reportedly priding themselves on their clever tactic.

“The millennials think we don’t know how their minds work,” said Howard Haskins, a member of the administrative board. “Obviously only three people wanted a throwback to 2008, and none of them were Parkland students. Our plan panned out perfectly.”

Because of how successful this year’s event was in preventing sneak-ins, UIUC has reportedly booked Iggy Azalea for next year’s Spring Jam performance, but will announce the artist’s visit only after releasing a survey full of promising, relevant artists.

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