Since their Brilliant Futures campaign began in 2014, the University of Illinois has been raising millions of dollars for their 150-year anniversary. The expected goal is set at $2.43 billion dollars for the university. However, what this money is going towards is a mystery, but since some of our UIUC tuition money will be spent on useless stuff, we should be able to decide where it’s going. Here are the top six things the university should spend our parents’ hard-earned money on instead of the lame shit they’ll probably spend it on instead.
6.) Free Pet-a-Pup on the Quad:
U of I’s seasonal Pet-a-Pup seems affordable at $1 per service pup for unlimited pets, but it’s costly in the eyes of broke college students who pay a ridiculous amount of in-state tuition. Why not have a Pet-a-Pup where all the pets for all pups are free? While they’re at it, the university should let all the service dogs off their leashes for an hour and let them run wild on the Quad.
5.) Paying Our Red Lion Cover:
Do you have Red Lion money? Apparently, with $2.43 billion dollars, the university can afford for all of its students to pay $10 cover for Lion on a Saturday. Although we don’t exactly want to fund this corrupt bar more than we already do, the thought of the entire campus at Red Lion is something we’d love to see.
4.) Turning the Quad Into an Ultimate Trampoline Park:
The administration has $2.43 billion dollars at their fingertips, and if they don’t invest in some wild shit, we’re all dropping out. The Quad needs to be turned into an ultimate trampoline park or we all riot! The weird engineers on the slacklines just aren’t enough. Also, more people would go to class if they had the option to bounce there.
3.) Giving Lovie Smith Hair:
For the love of GOD someone get that man some hair! If the university uses our money to get Lovie some quality hair implants like Brian Urlacher, he just might smile once in a while. After how much our football team has clearly aged him within the last couple years, it’s the least we can do to restore his health. While they’re at it, the university should give Lovie a brand-new set of teeth, since he’s clearly missing his.
2.) Buying Back Antonio’s:
We finally have money to buy back the building that Cracked bought from Antonio’s! Retrieve your Antonio’s punch cards from the bottoms of your backpacks, because they’ll be put to good use once more. The university needs to give the students what they want, and we can all agree that we want nothing more than for Antonio’s to resurrect like it’s Easter.
Please just give us back our money, we’re tired. The least the university can do is shower us with singles like we work at the Silver Bullet. Textbooks cost an arm and a leg and so do drinking habits, so we all need Visa gift cards from the university to do what we so choose with. Show us the money… or at least give us some financial aid.
In what sounds like a bad 80s movie sequel, the university plans to use two dogs with cancer, a Ferris wheel, and an astronaut to coax us millennials into giving them more money than usual. If we’re going to give them that money, they’d better spend it on some weird ass shit that we’ll actually appreciate.