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Top 10 Holidays to Use for Excused Absences at the End of the Semester

Following Thanksgiving break, U of I students are returning to Champaign with bellies full of under-seasoned poultry and their academic motivations in the gutter. These final few weeks push students to the brink of mental breakdowns, with no days off besides maybe Hanukkah (Mazel Tov to you!), which is why we’ve compiled a list of unorthodox holidays you can use to skip a few classes and remain guilt-free.

10.) Poinsettia Day – December 12th:

It may sound like a pretty weak excuse for a holiday, but Poinsettia Day gained legitimacy through an Act of Congress. The first ambassador to Mexico and namesake of the flower died on this day in 1851, and even though it’s been over 160 years, we’re still not over it.

9.) French Toast Day – November 28th:

There’s no doubt that the French make a pretty mean toast, so it’s no wonder it has its own holiday. It’s the perfect time for a recovery day after you piss your pants at Monday Night Lion the night before.

8.) International Monkey Day – December 14th:

Whether you like it or not, we evolved from filthy, stinkin’ apes. We share around 96% of our DNA with our little monkey friends, so we figure you’re entitled to 96% of a day off. Maybe just stop by class to turn in your homework and do a quick 180 afterward.

7.) Cyber Monday – November 27th:

While Cyber Monday is a relatively new holiday, it’s a vitally important one. We need students like you to churn your hard-earned money into our capitalist system; your education is evidently way less important. Remember: hyper-consumerism isn’t sad, it’s patriotic!

6.) National Letter Writing Day – December 7th:

You don’t really see too many letters these days, aside from nonsensical open letters posted by college students. What better day to crack out the ol’ paper and pen and write a crude letter explaining to your TA that you won’t be in class today?

5.) Red Planet Day – November 28th:

Red Planet Day celebrates our celestial neighbor, Mars, glowing bright red in the sky. And at the rate at which we’re destroying our own planet, we ought to show our future home some rightfully deserved appreciation.

4.) Put on Your Own Shoes Day – December 6th:

Maybe putting on your own shoes gets a bit trivial after first grade, but it’s still an important accomplishment that calls for celebration. So go ahead and lace up your boots and take them right back off; you’re not going anywhere today.

3.) Santa’s’ List Day – December 4th:

While Christmas is still three weeks away, this is the day that Santa finalizes who’s been naught and who’s been nice. He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’ve been hitting on freshmen at Wine Night, you naughty, naughty boy.

2.) World Soil Day – December 5th:

Every time you drive back down to campus, you can’t help but notice that beneath the infinite fields of corn and soybeans, there lies beautifully rich soil. It’s such a crucial part of our existence that the United Nations commemorated a day in its honor. Don’t let a few meaningless classes soil the celebration!

1.) Stay at Home Because You Are Well Day – November 30th:

You is kind. You is smart. You deserve a day off just because you’re hanging in there. Your friends and parents are so proud of you for doing so well. Keep doing what you’re doing, kid.

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