Through the thick fog of uncertainty that is an exhaustive job search, one thing becomes abundantly clear — shelling out $60,000 a year for a gender studies degree from the College of LAS wasn’t the best idea. Waiting tables quickly goes from a non-option to your best option, so to make a career out of this, you’re going to train to be the best damn server you can be. So stop wasting your time on a resume and start on this workout plan:
A toned core is universally attractive, but tightening up your abdomen will do more than boost your ego a few points. Having a solid midsection is crucial for good posture, as it will straighten out that curve in your lower back. Since you’re going to be living off tips, it’s essential that you carry yourself in the most dignified way possible.
Since you won’t be making bank anytime soon, you must protect what is yours. The least you can do is get big so no one will fuck with you. And nobody will likely try and rob a dude with a puffed-out chest.
Over your food service career, you’re going to be handing out innumerable plates and glasses—many of which are much heavier than they appear. Be sure to develop some solid forearms, because the last thing you want to do is embarrass yourself by dropping food. Your situation is embarrassing enough as is!
Facial exercises are a thing, and they’re proven to be effective. The idea is to contort the muscles of the face to firm them up, eliminating the signs of aging and stress. In this profession, a pretty face will get you farther than most. It’s in your best interest to try these out, even if you look stupid doing it.
A muscled gluteus maximus is nice to look at, and provides its owner with a solid foundation. You’ll be on your feet for most of the day, and collapsing on the job is strictly prohibited.
Much like a toned ass, reliable thighs will make the physical aspects of your new job much easier. Also, a long, distinguished stride between tables is sure to save you time and turn some heads.
Okay, this isn’t a muscle, but it’s too important to not include. Keeping yourself sharp will keep future opportunities open, help you navigate awkward situations with customers, and stave off the creeping dread that’s cast a shadow over your life since middle school.
Your duties as a waiter might not be limited to simply waiting tables. You might have to clean, bar back, and assist with general maintenance—all of which a strong back will prove instrumental in its tasks.
The importance of grip strength cannot be stressed enough. After all, you can’t be getting butterfingers when serving up a steaming bowl of soup. Aside from practical applications, a nice, firm handshake with an eccentric businessman you’re waiting on might just be your ticket out of this godforsaken industry.
You need to work on your cardio. When working as a waiter, you’re going to have to put up with a lot of bullshit from people who think they’re better than you. Thick skin and strong self-worth are key here, and armed with these virtues, you’re sure to rise above.