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Top 10: Presents UIUC Needs

Thinking up gift ideas for a loved one can be difficult, especially for someone who already has everything. If you happen to be a rich alumnus looking to spend gobs of money on your Alma Mater, here’s a few non-denominational gift ideas courtesy of The Black Sheep.


10.) A Football Coach: Illinois has been seriously lacking a coach since 2012 and we’ve all noticed. If some generous soul wants to hire a skilled football coach, Illini fans will be eternally grateful. Our old boy Ronnie is lookin’ for work.


9.) A Second Chipotle: Sure, two of the same fast food chains within a 0.1 mile radius seems excessive (looking at you, Wendy’s), but when you consider the line to get a burrito is visible from outer space, two Chipotles doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. Hell, you could put them right next to each other and nobody would complain. 


8.) A Finished Assembly Hall (State Farm Center, fine): Some great shows have been coming to Illinois and the only venue available is Foellinger Auditorium, which, according to Bo Burnham,  looks like the setting of “an old slave-trading auction.” Even Hoodie Allen made fun of Foellinger when he performed. Sure, it’s fine for Econ 103, but the Illini deserve something better.


7.) Another Engineering Building: Thanks alumni, for paying for part of the new ECE building (thanks, Illinois taxpayers for paying for the rest), but who couldn’t use another state-of-the-art, multimillion dollar project that benefits only a small percentage of students? Plus, the residents who live near the Engineering Quad already miss the sound of construction noises 24/7. 


6.) Reparations for the Lost Snow Day: Hey, sure, it didn’t actually snow at all, but students are still bitter and will beat this dead horse until the end of time. Just give us the Monday after Easter off and we’ll call it even. 


5.) A Mascot: The lack of school spirit at sporting events is due to the lack of a mascot (or maybe lack of a defense). How about the Fighting Lincolns? Or, you know, just bring the Chief back. We promise to curb the racist tweets in exchange! 


4.) Fire for the Eternal Flame: Because the not-so-eternal flame is missing the most important part, the flame-ness. If you want the students’ dreams to be ignited by a spark of hope, first ignite the supposedly eternal fire with a spark and some kerosene. 


3.) A Medical School: There are talks about starting a med school soon, which is good because no self-respecting university can function without one. What would we do without self-righteous med students prancing around campus? The engineers aren’t nearly conceited enough, sorry, engineering students. 


2.) A New-Old President: It’s too early to judge Mr. Killing (Killeen?) but there’s something about his smug little grin that suggests he’s no Robert Easter. Bring back President Easter so The Black Sheep can continue writing about his old adventures (and informing readers that he exists). 


1.) Better Weather: Talking to you, Mother Nature. Please let up on the harsh winter winds and freezing rain just once. Illinois students could do with just one year exempt from the effects of climate change. If we wanted the wind, we would have gone to UIC.

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