Wow, another person just asked to hit your Juul in the middle of Joe’s. Are you shocked? Because we aren’t! We’ve all been desperate for that buzz one time or another, but listen, you don’t have to give it to them. Give them some of these items instead:
10.) A tree branch:
Use this versatile object to kill two birds with one stone. First offer it to them as if this was what they asked for, then whack them away with it. Also useful with needy children and helicopter parents. Who knew those staff lessons would pay off in college?!
9.) A handful of mashed potatoes:
An unexpected gesture that will kill them with kindness. Satisfy their appetite with something they didn’t even know they wanted. If you’re a generous person, add some gravy on top.
8.) Your hand in marriage:
If they like your Juul so much, they should put a ring on it – cue Beyoncé! It’s also good way to hold onto your Juul while attempting to achieve a lifetime of happiness. Refrain from mentioning reading this article when you tell your future children how you two fiends met.
7.) A sock puppet:
This is a perfect opportunity to educate the fiend on the consequences of mooching. Studies show that moochers are more likely to listen to sock puppets than non-moochers.
6.) Your social security card:
Stealing Juul rips from the innocent is a gateway to stealing identities. It never hurts to speed up the process of a budding criminal. In fact, it’ll also save them lots of money!
5.) Bag of popcorn:
A frighteningly-accurate metaphor for the popcorn lung they’re likely to get. And let’s face it – we’ll all be needing lung transplants soon. It’s never too early to introduce them to their buttery and delicious future.
4.) A heroin needle:
Like your mom always says, a Juul is a gateway drug. First it’s a Juul, then it’s weed. Next, you’re a full-on heroin addict asking for money on Green Street.
3.) Your strep throat virus:
You’ve already warned them that you’re sick, but they just don’t seem to get it. They may offer to hit it through their shirt, but this is not ideal. You can achieve this by simply giving up your JUUL, but we recommend coughing on them since they already have what’s coming to ‘em.
2.) The half-assed research paper your freshman-year roommate wrote in RHET 105:
Find a moment when they look most appalled by your old roommate’s lack of proper grammar to escape into the a crowd of dancing sorority girls. Be wary of getting followed! Those moochers have the nose of a bloodhound!
1.) The receipt for your Venmo request:
We’re all broke college students and the cost of pods is a recurring expense. Some might even call it a necessary purchase. If food stamps can’t get you Juul pods, at least Juul fiends should.
We take pride in our thorough research on common grievances and hope these truly help. If there existed such a thing as Juul fiend repellent, we’d be out of our jobs!
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