We’re only a couple weeks into the semester, and the lines for Thursday Night Brothers are already completely unbearable. There’s nothing worse than being excited for a night at the only campus bar that plays decent music, only to receive a call from your friend telling you the Brothers line has already stretched to Jimmy John’s by 8 p.m. And nothing will give you a nihilistic outlook on life quite like standing in line and NEVER getting in. So, to snake your way through the veritable mob outside Bros on Thursdays, here are ten ways you can distract others in line:
10.) Tell Them the McDonald’s on Green’s Ice Cream Machine is Working:
The ice cream machine is always broken, but they don’t know that. Announce this earth-shattering news like a town crier to the Bros line, and people will trample each other to run across the street to McDick’s.
9.) Hold a Boombox:
The Brothers crowd is full of some of the rowdiest people on campus, and they’ll get down to early 2000s hip-hop music whenever they hear it. Use this to your advantage by bringing a boombox and holding it over your head a la Say Anything, while making your way to the front.
8.) Mix Up the Calendar:
Start loudly asking your friend why so many people are at Brothers on a Wednesday. Don’t they know that Thursday’s the only day of the week that it’s socially acceptable to go to Brothers? Utter confusion will break out, and the line will dwindle.
7.) Bring a Furry Friend:
No one can resist a pupper, not even the surly bouncers. Carry your pooch over your head like Simba from The Lion King as you ascend the Bros staircase to the sounds of ooohs and ahhhs.
6.) Tell Everyone Bros Ran Out of Free Shirts:
T-shirt Thursdays at Brothers entails a first come, first serve policy of free Brothers t-shirts every week. This news will especially upset the shirtless people in 20-degree weather waiting in line.
5.) Claim the $6 Long Island Pitchers are Now $7:
$7? What a rip! These people are in line solely for the $6 Long Island pitchers special on Thursdays, not so they can socialize or anything.
4.) Tell Everyone Alumni Are at the Bar:
Old people at Brothers are kind of cute sometimes but mostly just really off-putting. Young people in line want to dance on the stripper poles without judgement.
3.) Say You Heard Cover is $10 For 21 and Older:
Now that’s a twist! Usually Bros pulls a stunt where they make cover for students under 21, $10, and the upperclassmen get in for free. This will send everyone in line except for like two people running for the nearest ATM.
2.) Tell Everyone Antonio’s is Back in Its Original Location:
Unfortunately, it’s not. But fortunately for you, everyone will sprint two stores over to Cracked, the marker of Antonio’s’ grave. When they realize you’ve broken their spirits and that Cracked is still alive, well, and closed, you’ll already be at the front of the line.
1.) Spread the Rumor That the Upstairs Balcony is Wobblier Than Usual:
Every Brothers frequent flyer knows the upstairs balcony/dancefloor feels like it’ll cave in any minute now, and send everyone falling to the hardwood floor below. Tell people you heard this is the night the balcony will finally sink, putting the Titanic to shame. Hopefully people in line won’t risk their lives for TNB, but you never know.
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