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Top 5 Least Safe-Spaces at UIUC


Over the past year, safe-spaces have become integral in the discussion of the overall college experience. And while there are places on campus that serve as havens for marginalized students, U of I still hasn’t quite transitioned into one big Kumbaya-hacky sack-drum circle just yet. So this week, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of places that special little snowflakes should avoid during the upcoming school year, lest they be scorched by the flames of a conformist hell. Consider your triggers warned.


5.) Greek Organizations:




Institutions that discriminate membership based on gender? Talk about misogyny! It’s almost like Greeks choose party themes by cutting up a list of offensive things and drawing them out of a hat. Not to mention that in recent years, some of these groups have gone completely overboard with the hazing of their pledges, forcing them to consume copious amounts of Burnett’s and just beating the ever-living shit out of them. Yeah, sororities have really gotten out of control.


4.) The Armory:




Home of the ROTC program, this building was surely created solely to rustle jimmies. It might as well be called the “Yeah, We’ve Got Guns in Here, What About It?” building. Seriously, at any given time there are dozens of literal triggers in the building. But perhaps the most traumatizing part is the vast labyrinth that is the interior of the building itself. It certainly can’t be good for one’s mental health to be trapped in what’s essentially a claustrophobic gulag, wandering aimlessly tying to find the correct classroom.


3.) The Quad:




While it’s the most photographed part of campus, a picture can’t capture the systematic oppression that brews here. Upon walking up and down the diagonals, you’ll be harassed by a bunch of student groups with a variety of opinions on all sorts of things. Due to it being a place of relatively unrestricted speech, there’s no way of knowing what kinds of hateful, oppressive, and downright factual garbage is being thrown around at any given time. There’s even a certain Christian group that has the nerve to set up in front of the Union on weekdays, giving out their free judgmental coffee and condescending smiles.


2.) The History Department:




They say that history repeats itself, so it’s a no-brainer to completely disregard this field of study. History class is essentially a privilege erotica, and if that’s really what gets you going, you’re better off just reading one about the upcoming election. It’s traumatizing to look at a list of U.S. presidents and see that 98% of them are white, finding solace only in the fact that most of them are dead. There are a lot of scary things that happened in our past, so you’re best served by completely avoiding these touchy subjects rather than learning from them and using them to bring about meaningful progress to society.


1.) Chopstix:




Ok, so we’ve touched on some pretty heavy stuff, specifically for those of you with Tumblrs, but this last mention is a legitimate health concern. Guised under a name that screams ”culturally diverse,” you’d think that Chopstix would be as safe as a space can be. Newsflash: greasy Chinese food isn’t exactly great for you, and those MSG-laden noodles you’re shoveling down your pudgy freshman 15 gullet are essentially micro aggressions to your gastric tract. But that’s just the tip of this trigger iceberg; the Chopstix staff will drill you worse than any pledge master, your food will likely be undercooked, and you may even find a staple in your General Tso’s.


Prepare for a super safe and empowering school year down in Champaign using these cautious tips as your guide. But before your drive down, be sure to check that your privilege is stowed securely in your vehicle.


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