Ah, the suburbs. Close enough to Chicago to lie to people and say you’re from Chicago, but far enough from Chicago to never go there. With the school year behind us, you’re back at the place that has given you so many childhood memories. At this point in the summer, you’re probably craving that classic Chambana high. Fear not Illini, here are the 5 things you can find in your Chicago suburb that can give you the same high as a satisfying Blue Guy:
5.) Lawn grass clippings:
Although not the classic blue, grass definitely has an infamous color. Give your lawn grass clipping a friendly lick to encourage your body to undergo a good hearted buzz. Who knows what your dad uses to fertilize the lawn. Whatever it is, it makes you poop the same color green the morning after; just like a Blue Guy.
4.) The sweat of a suburban mom after yoga:
Much like the sweat of a drunk frat dude, the sweat of a suburban mom after yoga will contain the same amount of desperation and insecurities. This sweat combined with your sugary drink is the real reason you feel a distinct high at KAM’s. This can be copied almost to a tee by waiting outside the door of one of the multitude Yoga places quickly multiplying in your Chicago suburb.
3.) An iced Starbucks drink:
As KAM’s is to Champaign, Starbucks is for the ‘burbs. A Blue Guy keeps you going until the dreaded last call at 2 a.m. Much in the same way, a Starbucks caffeine drink can fuel a suburbanite to undergo their grocery shopping list for hours at a time. The only difference is the caffeine in your iced coffee drink isn’t nearly as mysterious.
2.) The leather seats of your moms minivan:
Fermented with the history of your childhood, your mom’s minivan has a distinct smell that you can only catch a whiff of after months away from this suburban staple. A strong whiff of these seats will bring you back to little leagues soccer, and being driven to your middle school every day at an ungodly hour. Much like KAM’s lures you into its domain with the smell of discarded Blue Guys embedded in its floor, your mom’s minivan will lure you in with the smell of spilled food and your younger brother’s hockey skates from many years prior.
1.) Your high school boyfriend’s vape:
He is probably the only guy you know that still owns and uses a vape. Be sure to give your boyfriend from high school a call to huff on his nostalgic and fruity vape smoke. Anything to take you away from the never ending and monotonous suburgatory that you call home, right?
To whatever great lengths it takes to achieve these small fragrant highs, it is worth enduring. Summer is a long time, and the only way to get through is to locate the things that will bring you back to the motherland, KAM’s. Good luck, Illini, start huffing.