Unless you’re one of the suckers that gets roped into “continuing your education” by going to grad school here or, God forbid, getting a job in C-U, chances are you won’t be returning to campus post-graduation save for the occasional revisit to the old stomping grounds. So, here are all the places you’ll want to make sure to toss your cookies before joining the real world for, y’know, sentimental reasons.
6.) On Alma:
This may initially seem too obvious a choice for this list, but what are the odds that you’ll cross paths with our glorious matriarch while drunk enough to vomit where you stand? If you haven’t gotten the chance, pay your respects by leaving an offering at her holy altar.
5.) Outside Burrito King at 3 in the morning:
Burrito King is the go-to for mediocre Mexican takeout in the middle of the night. Start making a habit out of coming here and you’ll likely find yourself at least once or twice struggling to choke down the last of your nachos and immediately regretting it once you stand up to leave.
4.) Into the alumni fountain after your first Urbana house party:
Uh oh, the artsy fartsy Urbana kids smoked you under the table, and then destroyed you in a bunch of obscure, nonsensical drinking games you barely understood the rules to. You wanted to prove you could you hang, so you made sure not to blow chunks until you left, and the good ol’ alumni fountain beckoned to you.
3.) Outside Altgeld after you fail your first exam:
How did all those kids finish so quickly? Is something wrong with you? Maybe Dad was right; you weren’t ready all along. Don’t worry; these thoughts’ll quickly subside once you feel that Espresso Royale apple fritter ready to vault from your throat.
2.) Outside the UGL after your first all-nighter:
Your bones are aching from sitting slumped in a chair for eight hours straight, your heart is pounding against your chest like a fleshy bass drum from all the caffeine, and your head is frantically grasping at fleeting thoughts like a comically uncoordinated host on HQ Trivia. You’ll come to know this feeling well, but it might be too much for you to stomach. Pun intended.
1.) In Merry Ann’s after a night out with your closest friends:
The other five places aren’t what you’ll remember when you think about your time here. Nights like these remind you how fortunate you are to be surrounded by people that love you. Still, it won’t make running frantically for the bathroom, not quite making it, and spewing all over the floor any less embarrassing.
Take a few moments to reflect on your years here before you leave. If you’ve still got loose ends to wrap up, go get yourself a handle, call up some friends, and publicly regurgitate.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!
Iowa State – $300 Referral Bounty
Minnesota – $300 Referral Bounty
New Hampshire – $300 Referral Bounty
Syracuse – $300 Referral Bounty
Ole Miss – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Referral Bounty
Texas A&M CC- $300 Referral Bounty
Colorado State – $300 Referral Bounty
UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
Kansas – $100 Bounty
Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
Mizzou – $100 Bounty
Penn State – $100 Bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 Bounty
Auburn – $100 Bounty
UNCW – $100 Bounty
Wyoming – $100 Bounty
NC State – $100 Bounty
SLU/WASU – $100 Bounty
Portland – $100 Bounty
Slippery Rock – $100 Bounty
UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
Click here to DM our Twitter and we’ll take it from there!
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: